Silent Silent Anguish...

My final Entry

2004-10-03T19:58:00.000+08:00

Hello my avid readers,

Here's another entry but in case you're leaping in the air with joy thinking that I've finally decided to continue blogging, I'm sorry to say that you're wrong, and that joy has come too prematurely. I know I have retired my blog but I think the decision to retire my blog has come very abruptly and most of you are still "struggling" to come to terms that I have actually retired my blog. Therefore, in order to set most hearts at rest, I've decided to post another entry to officiately declare that I have retired my blog. For the record, the reason I've decided to stop blogging has got nothing to do with not having the time to blog.

The response I've gotten on my tag-board with regards to my decision to stop blogging - from friends and even strangers, have been overwhelming. Now my day will not be complete without having anyone ask me, "Why are you retiring your blog??" From having a petition to issuing an ultimatum (asking my boss to sack me if I don't continue blogging), I've never thought my simple decision to retire my blog would create such a stir. Frankly speaking, I'm alittle amused by the whole thing.

I've always thought my blog to be one where the contents are full of lamentations and of course not without that famed tinge of melancholy in them and so, to have Soo Chin saying that my blog is a source of her inspiration is incredulous but I take it as a compliment. Can I? Ha. I know all of you want me to continue blogging, but I'm sorry to disappoint because I will not be reverting this decision, not now anyway.

To the thousands of disappointed hearts I will be breaking, I apologise. This blogging experience I've had have been a great one, and the memory will remain etched somewhere in my heart. From an entry with all singlish, to the present one without singlish, the change have been phenomenal and I've learnt and improved in my language. This probably will be the last time you'll hear from me, (from my blog that is, and maybe even for good. I don't know.)

Thank you for making this blogging journey of mine such an enjoyable one. :D Take care, and you don't have to miss me or my blog cuz it just isn't worth it.

retiring my blog

2004-09-28T23:11:00.000+08:00

Greetings once again mortals,

I've decided to retire my blog and put down my pen for good. Not going to continue blogging anymore and you can therefore unlink me from your links. Thanks. Have a great day.

Forgetful Deb

2004-09-28T20:51:00.000+08:00

Greetings Mortals.

Went to bed at 11.30pm last night cuz I was feeling sick having sneezed a thousand and one times during my 3 hour lecturer, during the buffet dinner I had at Swissotel, and when I was on my way home. It was an awful feeling that made me so tired and I decided to retire to bed early. I woke up sometime later and thought it was already early morning. After a trip to the toilet, I took up my hp and checked the time and to my dismay, it was only 2.30a.m. I went back to sleep and woke up a couple of times before finally waking up at 10.30am. How sad. Didn't have a good night's rest.

Realized I've been becoming more and more absent-minded these days. Here are some of the things I've forgotten recently and I hope the list won't go on :

1. I forgot to bring the snowskin mooncakes for Soo Chin. So sorry!!! =/

2. A friend's birthday is tomorrow and I've actually bought the card on Thurday, hoping to post the card on Tuesday, and my friend will get the card on her b'dae itself cuz the postman at PS is extremely efficient. It's Tuesday today and I forgot to bring the card out so it means the friend would get the card belated.

3. I've always had 2 packets of tissue in my bag and I've ran out of them recently but I've been forgetting to replenish them. And when I was sneezing like a crazy fool yesterday, I only had 2 pathetic pieces of tissue paper to last me for 1 and a half hours.

4. I borrowed a book from my school and the due date is tomorrow. Brought the book to be photocopied today but can only get the book back tomorrow. Hence it means that I'd have to pay $1 for the late return..

Memory failing my.

2004-09-21T22:28:00.000+08:00

"skip school.. don't skip school.. skip school.. don't skip school.. skip school.. don't skip school.. skip school.. don't skip school.. skip school.. don't skip school.." thinks out loud.

Watched the Manchester United v Liverpool match last night at 3am, and boy am I relieved to say that during the first 45 mins, Man utd really played like Man utd. Finally I saw the real Man Utd playing with their hearts on their sleeves. It was a nail biting 2nd half cuz Man Utd were a little unsettled when O Shea unfortunately scored an own goal. Man Utd evenutally won the game 2-1, and although it's still too early to say that the Man Utd of old is back, I still believe they're capable of dislodging Arsenal and they will get the trophy back to Old Trafford. =D

Time flies. Christmas is coming and so are my mock exams. =/ Unwittingly, it's been 3 months since I've been at Stansfield College. A slight digress, I'm actually an external student of the University of London. (haha) Ok, back to what I wanted to say. Actually I cannot remember if I've registered myself as a student of UOL and whether I've registered for the exams. I think I have, and yet I think I have not. I've received the study materials from UOL though so I guess I must have already registered myself with UOL. My memory is failing..

An amusing sms conversation

2004-09-20T19:50:00.000+08:00

Good morning! Oh! And in case I don't see you again, Good afternoon, Good evening, Good night! I'm back but actually I don't have much to say. But nonetheless, I'm going to update cuz I know people are reading my blog. Haha! Here's a pretty funny sms conversation I had with Cherie last friday.

kAeJ: Hey, free this afternoon? Wanna meet?
Cherie: Working at 4p.m

Long Pause.

Cherie: Eh, just now you ask me if I was free for what?
kAeJ: Jio you go shopping lor..
Cherie: Shopping?! u??! don't bluff me. have the pigs flown or what?
Cherie: What's with u? getting married and now shopping??? Did u suffer a big shock or had a traumatic experience!? don't tell me u r going to get ur brows plucked next.
Cherie: Eh. You ok anot?!??!
kAeJ: Haha. Cannot jio you go shopping is it? Yeah. maybe I'm going to get my brows plucked and my hair coloured. not a bad idea.
Cherie: You ok anot?????
kAeJ: ok lar ok lar.

Just a casual "Jio you go shopping lor", and what a reply! I was laughing when I read the replies cuz she sent the sms-es at such neck-breaking speed! In case you're wondering why I found her replies very funny and why she kept asking if I was ok, it's because I don't shop unless I really need to and I'm always scolding her cuz she always goes shopping. Her replies are really really funny man. An amusing conversation it was.

My class is putting up a play on Friday and it's the first ever stage play in Stansfield College's history!! (WOW! Haha. I'm part of history.) We're concocting a hilarious rendition of Midsummer Night's Dream ala Singaporean style where lovers meet in Fort Canning Park and break up in Sentosa. Premiere will be on the 24th of September, 11.30am and all are welcome! Call me if you're interested!

I have to go to school on Saturday from 10am-1pm to watch a film. We'll be watching "Apocalypse Now". I know I told some of you that I'll be watching this film during lecture, but apparently the lecturer couldn't book the lecture theatre cuz of the different timetables and so we'll have to watch it on Saturday. Alright, seems like a pretty long entry already, so I'll put down my pen and pick it up again later.

"I shouldn't care and wonder where and how you are, but I can't hide this hurt inside my broken heart. I'm fighting back emotions that I've never fought before cuz I'm not supposed to love you anymore.."

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY DEAREST!!!!!

2004-09-15T21:08:00.000+08:00

Today's the 15th of September, and it is also my dearest boss's birthday!!!! (HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY DEAREST!!) =D I actually wrote a pretty short and simple poem in her card, it's very simple, but it's the thought that counts right? I wrote it during lecture, so it's really very simple. Haha! So here goes :

It's your birthday today!
What more can I say?
I hope you'll stay this way -
Forever merry and gay.

Have a great great day
on this special special day.
And again again, this I'll say
HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

~ kAeJ

Realized something during lecture today - that my spelling is getting from bad to worse. I'm spending a lot more time copying my notes because I've been making silly spelling errors, and I've noticed that I'm beginning to use the liquid paper more. That is so not a good sign.

Oh, and I heard that traumatic ringtone when I was at TIMES the bookshop today. *cringes* Each time I hear that particular ringtone, it seems to me that something has happened before that made me associate this ringtone with a traumatic experience. I can't seem to remember what that traumatic experience was, but it always makes me feel weird whenever I hear that tone. It has something to do with a certain person telling me certain things and a certain me telling the certain person certain things. Ha! Sounds complicated, but I can't remember what was said except that the "thought/feeling" is evoked when the ringtone sounds. I've used that ringtone before by the way. Talking about the visit to TIMES bookshop, there are 2 books I wanna get my hands on, and they are "Managing my life - My autobiography" by Sir Alex Ferguson, and "The adventures of the mad chinaman" by Dick Lee. Any sponsors? *looks around*

Was reading 8 days during my break today and was reading my favourite page (the 2nd last page where a few writers share this column) when I came across a very interesting paragraph. The writer for this week is Raymond Goh and he started with, "Hi. My name is Raymond and I'm an insomniac." Needlessly to say, this article is about insomnia and the ways he tries to overcome insomnia. I found the last paragraph extremely hilarious because I could relate to it. Here's what he wrote:

"The final straw for me was when I tried counting sheep, which is the stupidest idea I've ever heard of, probably conceived by the shepherd boy who didn't have any friends because he cried wolf one time too many and was thus bored out of his lying wits. The sheep counting method didn't work for me because by the time I reached my 213th sheep, I realised three things - (1) my Maths isn't very good, (2) there are never any sheep on 'The Planet's Funniest Animals' because sheep can't really ham it up, and (3) I think I can't sleep because I'm hungry for some soup kambing."

Hilarious isn't it? Actually I can only relate to point number 1. Reason being that I don't watch "The Planet's funniest animals", and I don't like kambing soup. Haha! I can relate to point number 1 cuz my boss always asks me to count sheep, but because my maths is worse than a 12 year old kid, I often lose count and that'll result in a more awake me because I'll go, "Eh. I count until sheep number what ah? 415 or 514?" Then I'll count my toes and my fingers again and again trying to find that lost sheep, and when I finally fall asleep, I will almost immediately be jolted out of bed by my alarm clock. *Rrrrrring*

No conclusion

2004-09-13T11:10:00.000+08:00

Good morning. I'm back, but no, I haven't made a decision. I won't be coming to a conclusion just yet cuz I don't have the courage to make it. Nevertheless, I will make one in time to come, when I've finally decided to pull myself away or pull myself back.

"my boss saw a beetle, then out of nowhere crept a turtle, that had her startled, and made her turn purple.." Just thinking out loud. Do you think this poem would make a good present?! -winks-

Decision Making

2004-09-07T23:37:00.000+08:00

I'm in the midst of making a decision. A decison that is bound to have a massive impact on my life and probably on the people around me. I'm not sure if the decision is going to be right one, but I know it's time for me to come to a conclusion, and I ought to delude myself no more. However, what's funny is that I could be further deluding myself with this decision I'm going to make. Ironic isn't it? Perhaps that's why it's often not easy to make a right decision.

It's bothering me but I'm choosing to ignore it. I've been putting it off and hoping I wouldn't have to make a decision come the end of the day. But that's wishful thinking cuz things will always remain the same if I choose to leave it the way it is. A problem isn't going to miraculously solve on it's own. A heart knot isn't going to be miraculously undone on it's own. A hurt isn't going to miraculously heal on it's own. Those who say time will heal all wounds, that's rubbish. Time will not heal anything, instead time will cause the person to be further indifferent to the wound.

I've set Friday as a tentative date whereby I would come to a conclusion. But right now, there are conflicting thoughts and I may not reach a conclusion by then, but I know I must not drag on any longer. I'll be back with my decision.. (I hope.)

CG Photos

2004-09-06T11:30:00.000+08:00

My CG has been taking pictures recently and so I'm going to post 3 pictures. Think my boss and some others are also going to post the pictures so I shall post just this 3. Wanna see the rest of the pictures then visit my boss's blog. Plus, I don't wanna break my blog's tradition of being "more words. less pictures." =D

Is it a bird? an aeroplane? no! it's Spiderman!

My CG posing! look at everyone's facial expression! SUPERB!

deb: nonono! i said no taking of pictures!!

13 going on 30

2004-09-02T22:03:00.000+08:00

Spent Teachers' Day in school yesterday. How sad right? Haha. But I also went to watch a movie with my dearest! My dearest Boss! We watched "13 going on 30" and I must say it was a fabulous show!! Oh. I hope I was good company too. Haha. Made me cry it almost did!! It was hilariously funny (is there such a phrase? or whatever you call that? haha)!! However, I didn't laugh my head off. It was a good show lar, and I think it was definately worth the money. Go watch it if you haven't caught the show.

The part which almost made me cry was when Jenna's best friend, Matt was getting married, when she asked for the doll house he had made for her when they were 13. Everything Jenna did, she regretted. Including letting go of the close friendship she had with Matt. I thought it was a awesome show cuz it made me think and it made my heart ache. She had a best friend, and not everyone has one, yet she foolishly gave it up cuz she wanted to be in the "in" crowd. And when she realized he was a really true friend, it was too late cuz he was getting married, moving away and time had already made a once close friendship into something distant.

People have walked in and out of my life, but none have stayed. I've let go of certain friendships, some of which I have regretted and some of which I have not. There are friendships I'm still holding on now, and some of these, I never never'll want to let go of. Yet, the ones I never never'll want to let go of, I know one day I'll have to do it. It makes my heart break and my stomach sick to know I'll have to let go of certain friendships I don't wanna let go. But I guess, it would be for my good, and for the certain friend(s) good when I've decided to let of of the friendship. It will be a cruel decision I know, but being the cold-hearted being I am, I'll probably mask the pain and hurt so well, nobody will think the friendship(s) meant alot.

A love lost

2004-08-31T11:03:00.000+08:00

A Love Lost

What am I holding on for?
I don't think I know you anymore.
My love for you is not like before
and you're no longer the one I adore.

It is not that I never tried.
But a part of me have already died
and I'm finding it hard to carry on.
You could say though, that it's just pride.

I've grown so far apart from you
and now I don't have a clue
when I'll find back this lost love
and have my passion renewed..

~ kAeJ ©

Drag.

2004-08-26T14:21:00.000+08:00

After much deliberation, coin-tossing and feet-dragging, between going to East coast Park, sight-seeing on SBS buses or to the school library to do my essays, I finally found myself walking towards the school. Seems strange but I've lost that momentum despite having completed 2 essays on Tuesday. Probably it's because I know I'll have problems writing the remaining essays. I guess it's true when they say no use running away cuz you normally find yourself running back towards where you were trying to run away from.

I should have known better having read Sophocles's Oedipus Rex, where Oedipus tries to run away from whatever was predestined in his life, but ultimately he returned to where he was trying to run away from. But why do people still run away even though they know they can never run away from what they are trying to run away from? Don't they know that it's an act of self-deluding? Is there real joy in masking all our emotions and feelings? Strange as it seems, that's how I'm living my life.

I've come to realized that the people around me are extremely busy people. Their time seems to fly whereas my time seems to crawl. Could it be we're wearing different watches or using different clocks? (I don't wear a watch by the way, I wear two. And still, time seems to crawl.) They're busy working, rushing projects, studying for major exams, doing a thousand and one things with their 24 hours and having to find the time to sleep.

It's 2.20p.m now. The parents are back from their holiday and I won't get a chance to blog unless I come down to school again so this probably would be my last post for this week. I'm going to read the papers before attempting to do my essays again..

I'm sorry

2004-08-24T00:23:00.000+08:00

I'm Sorry

Dear friend,

I'm sorry
for making you cry.
Please don't ask me why
cuz I won't have a reply.

I'm sorry
I've been such a letdown,
for always not being around.
I know, I've let you down.

I'm sorry
to make you worry about me,
about how I will be,
and when I'll be set free.

I'm sorry
but a promise I cannot make.
It will be mistake
cuz the promise I'll break.

I'm sorry.

but thank you for showing you care,
for always willing to be there,
for keeping me in your prayer,
and for the friendship we share.

If one day we're no longer friends
and I don't get a chance to make amends,
I hope and pray that you'll know
I never meant to hurt you so.

~ kAeJ ©

"Poetry is not a turning loose of emotion, but an escape from emotion; it is not the expression of personality, but an escape from personality." - T.S Eliot

Alien vs Predator

2004-08-23T00:35:00.000+08:00

Greetings. I'm blogging again cuz the parents are away, so might as well make full use of the computer and blog my heart out. Found out why my computer is not working. Apparently the graphic card is damaged. =( So, gotta wait till the brother has the time to replace it.

Watched "Alien vs Predator" after service today with the master, the mistress and Guoren. Realized that it wasn't my type of movie cuz I fell asleep halfway. -_- Haha. The sound effects were pretty loud so they were kinda surprised that I managed to fall asleep. Thoughts were running through my head throughout the movie so I actually spent more time thinking than watching the movie. Haha. That probably speaks for me falling asleep halfway cuz I was too tired. Didn't sleep well last night. I dreamt about Mr Quah's funeral mass service again. =/ I slept on my bed, then the floor, then my bed, then the floor, then the bed again. Woke up and my shoulders were aching. Went for dinner with the master and mistress and we went shopping at NTUC. Hope this bulb here wasn't too bright. Haha! =P Having extra lessons tomorrow morning at 9.30 and I haven't had morning lessons since my cool school days! (How cool right?) I hope I won't doze off in class tomorrow.

Wondering how I'm going to spend my term break. I'll probably go to school everyday and head to the library. There doesn't seem to be any constructive place for me to study. Or rather, rush my overdued homework. It's weird how now I don't really look forward to the term break. Haha. Not that I enjoy school or anything, but just that at least there is something to keep me occupied for at least half a day. I wake up at 1030, I go to school at 1, I reach home at 645-7. The day is more or less completed. Suddenly this routine is going to be disrupted because of the term break. How unfortunate and how untimely..

Suddenly

Suddenly it seems
I'm chasing a lost cause
Suddenly it seems
everything is just a was.

I was so full of hope
knowing with God I could cope.

I was beginning to find the real me
and be who God made me to be.

I was trying to get back on my feet
and not live a life in defeat.

Then, everything came spiralling down
and now I wish I wasn't around.

I seem to have lost my way
and have become easily swayed.
I think I should just go away
and not be here to stay.

Suddenly it seems
I'm chasing a lost cause
Suddenly it seems
everything is just a was.

~ kAeJ ©

Food for thought maybe

2004-08-20T13:58:00.000+08:00

'Jiu3 Hou4 Tu3 Zhen1 Yan2' loosely translated as spewing your heartfelt thoughts after drinking. I've always wondered if this chinese phrase was true. Having watched a thousand and one shows about people being dead drunk and then saying all that they actually feel inside during that drunken state, something inside me is actually tempted to try that out. (The twin is at work again.) Of cuz, shows are shows. Being a Lit student, I would know that those are actually dramatized and probably only 1/3 of it is true. In a drunken stupor, would one start talking gibberish or would one unwittingly reveal their innermost thoughts? Definately food for thought huh? It's just the same as cutting oneself. Despite knowing that cutting oneself would solve no problem, people still turn to that as an outlet for releasing the negative emotions in them. Can one really find solace in cutting? Can those emotions be completely purged after cutting? Or is it back to square one when the cut heals? Would the scars from the after effect of cutting serve as a reminder or would it serve as a provokation to want to cut again?

Are you wondering how I've managed to blog? No. The computer at home is still down. I'm in school now using the library's computer. The computer is just as useless as the one at home. No microsoft words, no powerpoint, no excel. Which means that I cannot go into teaching planet to view my lecture slides. Having thought that the computer being down was a good thing cuz it would mean I have to do my work instead of spending hours on the computer during redundant stuff, I've decided to retract those thoughts. A couple of days ago, just as I was beginning to visit dreamland, a thought jolted me up. "The computer is down and if it cannot be revived, wouldn't that mean my poems, photos, letters, would be gone?!" Just as I was mourning those 'loss', my heart dropped. Cuz I realized the notes that my dearest boss had so painstakingly compiled for me would be gone too! OH NO! My fingers are crossed that somebody would be able to resurrect the computer. Technology. How I so cannot do without it.

Any kind mortals out there who is willing to have me at their house to entertain them and keep them company when my term break starts next week? Haha. Just kidding. But seriously, any kind mortals willing to have me at their house? and allow me to use their computer, internet, microsoft words, and powerpoint such that I'll be able to do my work? If you're a kind mortal and you don't mind the ever nice and hardworking(ah-hem) Deborah Kong at your house, LET ME KNOW and I'll be there! -winks-

No idea when I'll be able to blog again, fret not though cuz I'll try to blog twice a week. I know you guys will miss reading what I write. Right? Haha. So in the meantime while I'm gone, please, please, (no, not take lotsa care), but please, think of ME! :D

I'll be back

2004-08-16T18:43:00.000+08:00

I'll be back

It doesn't seem too long ago
though it's been a week or so.
and I would really like to know
if anyone's missed me since. No?

The computer that I can't do without,
it is currently down and out.
For a new one I now gotta scout
and it's making me pout.

I guess I won't be back so soon
maybe on the next blue moon.
so please please wait for me
I'll be back, I guarantee.

And Oh! please, think of me.

~ kAeJ ©

Man Utd Traning Kit!

2004-08-10T00:37:00.000+08:00

Guess what? The parents are back from Bangkok and they took me seriously when I told them to get me a Man Utd Jersey from there! I merely said it in jest and I even said that I would not accept a pirated Man Utd Jersey! It's not any of the game jerseys but it's their new training kit! New training kit!! Nice Nice Nice! I like it!! Here's a glimpse of it.

Public Holiday.

2004-08-09T15:28:00.000+08:00

I absolutely abhor the idea of having a public holiday. Ok, not to that extreme, but I do not enjoy public holidays. Reason being everyone'll be at home - the dad, the mum, the grandmother, the sister and the brother. The streets too will be packed with people and the idea of having to squeeze and be within the masses and masses of people outside is a complete turn-off. There is no place for abit of peace and solitute for myself. Public holidays have also become a day for lecturing Deborah Kong - for always going out with friends. for always not doing anything. for everything and anything. And instead of a straighforward "face-off", it's always just constant muttering and mumbling infront of me.

The parents are not in town this National Day, but it did not mean that the lesser people at home, means there'll be lesser "noise". I woke up in the morning and found myself the target of some unnecessary attention. The king, the brother is booking into camp tonight and cuz the parents are not in, the grandmother took the task of ensuring the king has everything he needs for camp upon herself. The grandmother wanted to cook lunch, but the king wanted to meet his friends, and thus the sister and I bore the brunt of her disappointment at not being able to cook for the king. In actual fact, it was actually the perfect catalyst to air her annoyance that I'm a christian.

This has in turn led the sister to be angry with me cuz instead of confronting me, the grandmother would nag and nag at her about me. And when I'm around, the grandmother would say and say and say and say and say, not to me, but to the brother and the sister and even sometimes the parents and of cuz, whatever she's saying is talking about me. It takes an idiot to not know who she's talking about. This has been going on for a period of time, and I have since gotta used to such attention. The words doesn't have an effect on me, 'cept that it sometimes gets on my nerves, cuz to have someone constantly niggling at your ears, that's irritating. I would think to sleep through the entire day during a public holiday would be the best way to spend out the public holiday. Period.

Happy Birthday Singapore!

P/S: Am currently trying to work on an article on, "The Boss and The Beetle." -winks-

Farewell Mr Quah.

2004-08-06T22:59:00.000+08:00

Made my way to St Bernadette church alone today for Mr Quah's funeral mass. Learnt that he died at 52, was baptised in the hospital and is also known as Sunny. The mass lasted for about an hour plus before we headed to Mandai Crematorium and Columbarium Complex for the cremation. I think the Mandai Crematorium and Columbarium complex is a very beautiful place. Very serene, and peaceful. Alot of the SACians turned up for the funeral, and I think there were more girls present than guys. Afterall Mr Quah spent 25 years in SAC. We even sang the school song during the mass. The cremation was a very sad affair. It was a teary farewell to the man respected and loved by so many. People were seen crying on each others' shoulders, and some were weeping silently in their seats. Tears flowed freely as we all took turns placing stalks of flower into his coffin.

It was also the day the brave Mrs Quah finally broke down. Despite looking weary and worn-out at the Singapore Casket, I never saw her cry. But at the church, and at the crematorium, Mrs Quah wept and wept, for the man she loved so dearly and have left her since. It was a heart wrenching sight. An old woman believed to be Mr Quah's mother was sobbing uncontrollably too. The SACians and everyone in the viewing gallery wept as they all bade Mr Quah a final farewell. His niece shared that she has learnt from her Uncle Quah the true fighting spirit. How he fought and fought against cancer and never gave up and the legacy he left behind will forever live on. Now, Mr Quah is in Heaven. I pray that our Heaven Father will be a source of comfort to Mr Quah's family during this time of grief, and I pray that He'll dry their tears and strengthen them as they continue to live their life on this earth. May the peace of God be with his family always. Amen.

Hopped on the bus to SAC after the cremation. They had buses back to the church, or to SAC so I took the one to SAC cuz I didn't know how to go home from the church. Haha. Spent an hr waiting for my ex school counsellor, Mrs Ethel Koh. We had a heart-to-heart chat for about half an hour and I was glad that I was able to talk to her. It's always nice talking to her. While waiting for her, I walked around SAC, and fond memories I had in SAC returned to my memories. Memories both good and bad. The first day of school till the day I graduated from SAC. It still seems as though I've just graduated from SAC yesterday. 2 years have since flown past, and the year 2004 is coming to an end soon. What have I achieved in these 2 years? What have I done? Have I progressed, or have I remained where I was? Have I done things that have made a difference in the lives of others or have I remained an annoymous figure most of the time?

What happened to Mr Quah made me realized that life is unpredictable. Let us take the time to look around us and to cherish the people around us. The ones whom we love so dearly and let us not wait for something to happen before realizing that we never told the people around us that we love them. Life'll go on as usual, the earth'll continue to turn, but let's not take for granted the people around us, and regret only when something drastic has happened.

The demise of Mr Quah

2004-08-02T22:54:00.000+08:00

Today I received an sms in the morning telling me that my PE teacher, Mr Quah from SAC had passed away after losing his fight against cancer. For a few minutes I was stumped. Went to the wake which was held at the Singapore Casket with Salina. A cheerful looking picture of him greeted us the minute we stepped into the funeral parlour. When I stopped and looked into his coffin, I never expected what I saw. No longer was there a strong tough-looking man. Instead, in the coffin laid a frail looking man, who had aged so much, lost so much weight and had lost most of his hair. It was a sight that would make even the strongest of person shed a tear. (I didn't)

Memories I had from SAC started flooding my memory. In sec 1, he punished me and I was late for Jae's lesson. That was also when Jae offered to cry with me in the staffroom if I wanted to. It was also becuz of this incident that my form teacher in sec 2, Ms Adrienne Ho got to know about me. I still remember the first day of sec 2 when we were introducing ourselves, Ms Ho said to me, "Deborah. I know you! Mr Quah's favourite student right?" And the whole class'd burst out laughing. Went for a canoeing camp with him somewhere in sec 2 and we had alot of fun. It was there where I saw the other side of Mr Quah. The nicer, the funnier Mr Quah. In sec 3 and 4, he was my PE teacher. We had alot of differences with him during PE lessons. There was once when he would throw balls all over the hall and made us run to pick them up and he would throw them again once we put them back into the basket.

Everytime the students saw Mr Quah in the school, it will be, "MR QUAH!" And everybody will almost immediately make a U-Turn and walk away as fast and as far away as we could from him. All of us feared that loud booming voice asking us, "Tuck in your blouse!" "Why is your skirt so short?" Just his presence alone was enough to make the whole school shut up. As the vice-head of Library, I've worked with him on a couple of occasions and he's always "teasing" me. The last time I saw him was a year ago. When I returned to visit SAC. Me and my friend (I can't rmr who) almost wanted to make a U-turn only to realize there wasn't a need to cuz we were no longer students. :)

The sister told us that he was battling the pain for 3 months and he finally lost the battle. He wasn't responding to the treatment anymore. My ex-library officer told me that she saw him when she came back to Singapore for a short holiday recently, and although he had lost a lot of weight, he was still the same cheeky man. Who would have thought he would lose the battle. The sister also said that his tennis racket is with him in the coffin, and that he had recently just received Christ into his heart. He had a smile on his face, and his hands was holding on to a rosary and a bible. I believe he has gone to be with the Lord. And I'll glad he made the decision to receive the Lord into his heart. He won't be forgotten and I pray that the Lord will protect and strengthen his wife, that during this period of grief, she'll be able to find the strength to carry on living, and that she'll be able to cope with this loss.

Mr Quah, thank you for making an impact in our lives. Thank you for everything, and thank you for being who you are.

What is Love?

2004-07-30T23:00:00.000+08:00

My class (the Lit department actually) had a performance sort of thing on "What is Love". Quite a number of people from the school turned up which made the perfomance a resounding success and we were pleasantly surprised by the response of. Wasn't invovled in the reciting of poetry or the singing of songs, but I took the iniative today and asked if there was anything I could do and was asked to "guard" the sound system. It was a pretty daunting task cuz I know nuts about sound systems and it was pretty last minute. However, thank God, everything turned out well. :) This performance became a class-bonding session for my class and after the performance, the classmates went to a KTV to "celebrate" and they managed to persuade me to go.(For the 1st time in my ENTIRE life, I wasn't anti-social) Turned out to be an eye-opener cuz most of my classmates drinks and one pretty classmate of mine sings extremely WELL!! Nevertheless, they're pretty nice people except that they keep calling me "Xiao Mei Mei". I'm 18!! Tsk!

Shall use this opportunity to show what me think about Love. Haha. To me, I think love is this silent thing that creeps in on us when we least expect it. That's probably why I think the term "Falling in love" is coined. People often say that love is painful, but I think otherwise. Love is not painful, unrequited love is. To love somebody and yet not am able to be with that somebody, that's heart-breaking. To not be able to show your feelings is worse that love unrequited, and what a friend said to me before best says it. "To feel and not yet allowed to." It's always heartwrenching when you sit beside that special someone, and hear that special someone talk about settling down but not with you, and you gotta pretend and smile along. It's always heartwrenching when you have to watch that special someone hold somebody else's hand and that hand is not yours. Love is being sad when that somebody is sad. Love is being happy when that somebody is happy. Love is when you are willing to give up your all for that somebody. Love is a simple thing made complicated by the complex thinking of human beings. Love is a four letter word that you and I need.

But of cuz, love needn't be just romantic love. It could be love between you and God, love between you and your friends, love between you and your pet dog/hamster/cat, love between you and your parents etc. When Jesus took the nails upon Himself and died for us on the cross, He demostrated to us what the real meaning of Love actually is. Here's an excerpt, a tribute to the Greatest Love of all time by Jae.

The sacrifice that exemplify what LOVE is throughout eternity
Came from a man led and blinded by his love for my angel and me.

Lashes of whip, punches from fists,
Foulmouthed spits and skull piercing thorns,
Wrist nailing spikes, sour vinegar,
Soiled naked shame and side piercing spear,
Bruised broken body, sharp agonising pain,
Torn broken heart and death on three nails hanging.
No crimes did he commit except to LOVE,
For which he suffered so we can go on living.

My love for my angel, as true as it may be,
Is but a pale shadow to the sacrifice that laid bare what True Love rightly is.©

John 15:13 "Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one's life for his friends."

Disclaimer: What I have just mentioned above is purely my two cents worth. If you choose to disagree, by all means, do so. You do not have to agree or disagree cuz I am not seeking any opinions.

Boo!

2004-07-28T23:47:00.000+08:00

Afternoon lectures always makes me feel like sleeping. Been going on for a few days and I spent the last half an hour of lecture on Tuesday playing Monopoly on my hp. That kept me awake. Was in the same sleepy mood when the lecturer said something that perked me up, "..Anyway, your term break is coming very soon so..." Haha. I don't really know when's the term break though. Haha! My classmate said something funny today in class. She said, "actually we are all rejects. We get rejected by this school, that school and in the end, end up as private students. Gee, we have the word 'Rejected' stamped all over us!" Haha. Sounds true doesn't it? But perhaps, it's because God has other plans for us. So I don't think we're rejects lar, who knows the "rejects" may end up doing better than the "accepted."

Anyway, just wanna mention a special thanks for my dearest, dearest boss for helping me compile my notes!! ALL my notes for 2 modules. Coverting them from powerpoint into Words! 43 Word documents and a total of 160 pages! No joke ok? Despite her busy schedule, she still took the time to do it for me! See, what a nice boss I have?(maybe cuz I complained too much to her that I don't have ppt. hahaha!) Nevertheless, I'm still very touched!! Thank you very much my dearest boss! And I love you (not oops lots). Haha..

I saw a very interesting sight on my way to school today. There was this English woman with her 3 kids and they were all reading a book each. Then the eldest boy turned to his brother and shared with him a funny excerpt from the book he was reading. It made me smile! Cuz I thought it's very heartwarming. And on my way back, I saw this little girl who was crying. It always amazes me how children are able to cry anytime, anywhere, anyhow. Haha. Thinking back, I realized I used to cry alot when I was young too! Haha. When my mum always beat/scolds me; during festive seasons when I'll get scolded for sure; In pri sch when I was called up for counselling; in sec sch when I was in the counselling room, when I flunked my 'O' levels. And now that I'm 18. The last time I actually cried was when I flunked my 'O' levels.. again. Haha. Growing older, think the tear ducts are malfunctioning. Hard to see me cry nowadays. (If you ever do see me cry now, remember to let Huiling know cuz it'll be my breakthrough.)

This 31 year old guy committed suicide at Bishan MRT today. It's such a sad way to die isn't it? *BAM* And then your limbs fly with blood splashing everywhere. Eeks! I wouldn't choose that way to die. It's too gruesome and it causes too many problems for people! Distruption of the train service, investigations, blah blah blah. =/

Shocking revelation!!

2004-07-26T22:37:00.000+08:00

A shocking revelation today left me flabbergasted. Got to know this shocking revelation when I was walking to the MRT station with my classmate after lecture today. My classmate is 30 years old and already has 1o years of working experience!! *jaws drop* I thought she was kidding when she said, "I can be your auntie!" I was really stunned when I heard that cuz no way did she look like she's 30!! And the other 2 classmates in her clique are above 20 but below 25, and I'm only 18!! Man!!

Haven't blogged for quite some time. Not that I've been very busy or something. Just that my weekends are more packed and thus unable to find the time to blog. Caught "Brotherhood" on Sat with my boss, Huiling, Guoren and Yingying at Shaw, Beach Road. I must say it's a really really good show! My boss was crying her heart out throughout the whole movie! Didn't know about the rest cuz I was sitting at the corner next to my boss. I'm a cold-hearted person lar, so I didn't cry although the show was very touching. Thank God we're living in a peaceful country. Can you imagine if war broke out in Singapore? Why do people even wanna wage war against one another?! Don't they realize that for their own "interests", thousands upon thousands of innocent lifes are sacrificed?? =/ Love one another! Am quite pleased to say that the last 2 movies I've caught recently have been so worth the money. First was Spiderman 2, then Brotherhood. Seriously worth the money man! (=

You know something, there are times when I so have the urge to do things on impulse. Haha! Like throwing away all my notes, telling certain people certain "revelations". Just doing things on impulse. On the spur of the moment kind of things. But thankfully I've been able to "control" that urge cuz I wouldn't want to think of what some of the dire consequences would be if I were to do and say certain things. Haha! I found myself sitting in my room, in the dark, looking out the window for 3 hours. (while waiting for the Man Utd match to start at 4 this morning.) Night always seems so peaceful, so serene. And the cold breeze blowing against my face with the sad music playing in the background just made it a perfect moment for thinking..

My 2 new poems!!

2004-07-22T23:35:00.000+08:00

Guess what? I finally plucked up that courage and went to my lecturer and told her that I'm having problems writing my essay. Guess how long she took to explain 2 questions to me? 5 mins. That's right. And throughout that 5 mins, I was slightly distracted cuz when I looked out of the window, I saw a silver volkswagen (beetle) parked outside my school and it almost made me smile. (My boss is probably thanking God that she's nowhere near me at that time.) Ok, so do I know how to do my essays now? I think I can give it a try now. Oh! Guess whatelse she said, "Finish reading the book first. Don't rush to do your essay. Take your time and just give me a good one." So contradicting to what she said in class, "Those who have yet to hand up your essays, please make a special trip down to school tomorrow and give it to me by 6pm. Only Claire, Louis and Marie can give it to me on Mon cuz they just joined us." Tsk! Then now ask me to take my time. But I think I'll be handing up the essays on Monday. Don't wanna have work piling up everyday.

Met Lisa for lunch today. She's leaving for England on Sunday and she's going to do her Masters in English (This is really ENGLISH.)!!! So cool right? And oh, she blessed me with S$100! Haha! Thank God for the finanical blessings! Cuz I finally managed to buy my guidebooks with the money without having to wait for next month. To those who hate me for always correcting their english, or rather, always having that urge to edit/correct your writings, I'll point the finger to Lisa. Haha! Cuz if she hadn't asked me to help her mark essays and stuff, I doubt I'll be "correcting" people now. Hahaha! So hate her, don't hate me! (kiddding) Gotta thank her for improving my english. =P It has been a great experience helping her mark 'O' and 'N' levels essays. Know what we had for lunch? Yoshinoya! -groans- Those who know me will know that I don't eat Yoshinoya! Haha. But, what to do? How can I be so choosy when somebody is treating? Hahaha!!

The beautiful mistress is starting school on Monday!! And she's absolutely elated about that. Plus she's going to move into NTU's Hostel too! I know Bedok Reservoir will miss her, I will too. -sobs- (somebody please pass me a handkerchief. -dabs eyes-)

Silent Anguish

No one ever would know
the silent anguish I never did show;
Cuz it's just a silent silent cry,
that requires no reply.

And no one ever would know
why I never did show;
this silent anguish within me,
cuz it's just beyond, beyond me.

~ kAeJ ©

You

You have a smile so bright -
it illuminates the darkest of nights.
You have a heart of gold -
that could melt any heart so cold.

You are everything a friend could ask for,
and you're someone I simply adore;
for you always seem to have a way
to keep my frowns at bay.

You are one of a kind
the friend everyone longs to find
and i feel so blessed,
to be able to call you, my friend.

~ kAeJ ©

UOL exams a breeze?!

2004-07-20T22:21:00.000+08:00

Greetings! Didn't want to blog today but figured that you guys probably would miss me, so I decided to blog before I go off and rush to complete my 2 essays by tomorrow. I have alot in mind to blog about, but think I will not be too long-winded today. Today my classmates asked my lecturer about the UOL exams and how it'll be like. And guess what my lecturer said? He said that it's very simple actually and he thinks that it would be a breeze. (yah right. As if I'd be a fool to believe you that the UOL exams would be a breeze. Thanks for the encouragement though.)

Got back the essay I did last week, and as expected (haha), I didn't do well for it. He said, "You have treated the poems superficially, and there should be more analysis and drawing of significance! Is that what the poem means? What does this say of the treatment of religion! Good and clear expression." I agreed with everything except for the, "Good and clear expression". Made me laugh it did. But oh well, this is the first essay, so such comments are expected. I more or less expected it when I wrote the essay cuz bascially, I wrote it as to how I would write my "O" level essays. Just gotta hope I'll improve writing my essays as time goes by.

Something I don't understand. Do I really talk alot? Haha! How is it that now that I'm not talking so much, people are thinking that something is wrong with me? I am quiet by nature! (If not, how is it that I can keep quiet for a full 3 hours in class even though people are laughing and talking?!) Just that I can talk alot when I crap!! The other day, my lecturer was saying that, "People who can write well does not mean they can speak well, and people who can speak well, does not mean they can write well." I agree, and I think I belong to the former, although I'm not saying that I can write well! :)

Haha. Did I mention that I'm not going to blog alot today? Seems like I've typed quite a long entry haven't I? Time seems to fly this week, and tomorrow's already Wednesday. Hmm, funny how the last few weeks seems a dread but this week seems alright. Probably it's becuz I've stopped thinking too much, or perhaps ... -shrug- But I think, things are getting alittle bit aimless...

Someday, Someway, Somehow - Brian Mcknight

I try to pull myself together,
One lie, tore us apart.
We left so many words unspoken.
You walked away with my heart,
And I cried, I cried.
Heaven knows how much I cried.
Could you find the strength within you,
To give me one more try.

If I called you, would you believe what I had to say,
And if I saw you, would you, turn and run away.
If I had my way girl, you'd be with me right now.
Someday, someway, somehow.
Someday, someway, somehow.

I thought that I could go on without you.
Guess what? I was so wrong,
And I realized how much I really love you,
And it's been far too long.
I know you cried, I know you cried.
Heaven knows how much you cried.
But can you find the strength within you,
To give me one more try.

So come on, don't I get my one mistake.
Let's forget about yesterday for tomorrow,
I know we've found what's at the end of the rainbow,
And it's meant to be, it's meant to be,

Someday, someway, somehow

My complete day

2004-07-19T01:45:00.000+08:00

New blogger template. Looks interesting, so here I am typing the entry for the day. Yes, I am aware that the song of my blog is making some of you people so full of love. Haha. So keep enjoying the song till I decide to change them one day.

Just came back from a whole day of activities. Shall list them all out. Woke up at 0715 hours. Reached church at 0930. Wrote Huiling's letter and waited till 1040 for Bible Study to start. (Both Huiling and Yingying were late.) Service started at 1300 and boy it was an awesome service!! "By your spirit, O Lord, We claim the nations. Of the world, for you Jesus." Been having this thought to write a poem about reaching out, or about the lost, but am currently not in the correct or right frame of mind to put all these thoughts into words. Exciting times are coming. Lives are gonna be changed and impacted! I wouldn't want to not be part of these exciting times. Times of seeing thousands upon thousands of lost souls saved into the Kingdom of God. We're officiately starting our 6th service next week!! Which means, my service time'll be from 1400-1600hrs.

Service ended at 1515 and we went for lunch at Yandao's coffeeshop. Celebrated Jack's birthday and waited for Huiling to settle some church administration till about 1800. My boss, Me, Huiling, Yingying and Andrew then made our way to Suntec to meet Elaine. (her friend was performing there. Modelling I think.) Reached Marina Square at bout 1950 and the friend had already finished performing. Was supposed to watch "Windstruck" with my boss tomorrow, but unfortunately, "Windstruck" was not showing anymore except at weird times and at weird cinemas. Which meant that my "date" with my boss tomorrow is cancelled. -sob sob- Haha.. We caught "Spiderman 2" at Marina Square with Yingying, and Huiling instead. It was an awesome show! I enjoyed it thorougly and I do not agree that the show was a drag. I think it's the best show I watched this year besides "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind". "Harry Potter" wasn't that bad either. But "Spiderman 2" was great! Haha. Wouldn't it be good to have spidey as your partner? Then you can sit next to the sky, among tall sky-scrapers, with the stars just beyond your reach, and enjoying the breath-taking scenery. Haha. It would be a romantic date wouldn't it? =P

Wanna blog somemore, but I don't think time permits me to do so. So, gonna end my entry and meanwhile, take care while I slog it out in school.

And just a note to peishi, "Don't worry. You're not the only one who found the 'Accidentally in Love' song loud. My boss found it loud too. And I don't really thinks she agrees that the song is cute. Haha!"

My thoughts.

2004-07-15T23:33:00.000+08:00

As I walked to the MRT station today, I was greeted by sights of our Singapore flags being put up by my patriotic singaporeans neighbors. It made me realized that August is round the corner; which meant Singapore's birthday is round the corner, and so is Jae's. Haha. Ok. That was just a slight digress from what I'm going to blog today.

Here's an update of what I've learnt these past 3 weeks in school. I've completed William Blake's "Songs of Innocence and Experience", Shakespeare's "A Midsummer Night's Dream", and Homer's "The Odyssesy". Quite alot huh? But if you asked me what I've learnt, I probably can only just tell you what the books are about that's all.

There is something wrong with me.These days, I don't find myself as tense, as emotional, as I was the past few weeks. I seemed to have put down a certain weight within me. Half the time in class, I find myself not concentrating at all, and most of the time, my mind is in a complete blank. I think I'm happier. Look! I've even changed the music of my blog to a song which is much more happier and uplifting. But sometimes I wonder, could everything just be a facade? Something inside me is dying. What is it? I do not know. It could be a hope I used to hold on to. It could be everything and anything. Somehow, some things no longer seem so important to me anymore.. Perhaps it's easier this way.

And oh. A warm welcome to those who have jumped on the bandwagon of writing blogs. May the joy of blogging be with you. (And, please, do update regularly. :P)

I'm back!!

2004-07-14T22:31:00.000+08:00

Realized I haven't blogged since sunday! My poor blog, you must have missed me. I'm so sorry my dear blog. *sayangs* I was just thinking about my blog halfway through lessons. 3rd week of school. Thinking back, I was paying alot and alot of attention during the 1st 2 weeks of school. But now, my attention is waning, and I find myself reaching for my hp constantly even though I said before that I would not sms, or reply sms in class. It's not that I don't wanna pay attention. I still do. Just that the last 2 weeks, whenever I'll reach home. I'll study at night. As in write my notes for the day. But now, I tell myself, I'll write the notes tomorrow and tomorrow never comes. Don't worry lar, I won't slack. I'll work hard. Guess this is still a transition from secondary school to Uni, so need some time to adjust.

Let me introduce my twin to you, kAeJ!! *drums rolls followed by screams* :P kAeJ is schizophrenic. (Poor thing right?) So, that explains my previous entry about my evil twin. kAeJ is actually a nice being, just that when her condition acts up, her actions will leave you wondering why she does what she does. :) so don't hate kAeJ ok? Be it the evil kAeJ or the nice kAeJ.

Oh! Thurdays! I love thurdays! Cuz I don't have to go to school on Friday!!! And below is something that my ex obs instructor, the wonderful Pohkiaw (giggles) gave me when I chatted with her a couple of mins ago.

"After a while you learn the difference, subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul, And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't mean security, And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises. And you begin to accept your defeats, with your head up and your eyes open, With the grace of an adult, not the grief of a child."

A Distance Bridged

2004-07-11T00:08:00.000+08:00

A Distance Bridged

No matter how hard we try
These tears we can never dry.
And what we were before
we can never return to anymore.

It's breaking my heart
to see how far apart we are now.
And would you just tell me how
we can have a brand new start.

This closeness we used to share
Tell me, are they of the past?
Do you no longer care?
Why is there now such a big contrast?

Perhaps the problem lies with me
and that's probably the case.
And perhaps you don't deserve
a friend in me.

~ kAeJ ©

My evil masochist twin

2004-07-10T00:12:00.000+08:00

There is an evil masochist twin in me who craves for pain. And now, my hands hurts from the bruises.. =/

BIND THAT EVIL MASOCHIST TWIN IN JESUS'S NAME!!

Thanks!

2004-07-08T23:48:00.001+08:00

A special thanks to the people who tagged my board, especially to my beautiful mistress and Huiling (didn't expect you to tag). :D To the people who didn't know what to tag especially after the 2nd last entry (Yes, cherie, I'm talking about you.) It's alright cuz I'm not expecting you guys to say anything. My blog is a place for me to release all the silent anguish in me. So it doesn't matter whether or not you tag. :)

It is a humongous step I'm taking, but I don't believe I can't do it. (although I'm dragging my feet everyday to go to school.) Despite the parents being super negative, and not in the least concern about how their words can so easily crush my fragile esteem, I know I don't have to be affected by them. Becuz in Christ, we are always the head and not the tail, above and not beneath. My God is not a man that He should lie and when He says that my future is in His hands, it is in His hands. I will work hard. Not only cuz the fees are exorbitant, but cuz I wanna shine for Jesus and bring glory to His name. And I know I can never bear to break the thousands of hearts who believes in me. So, as I've said and always said, "Persist I shall and must!"

Ok. A digress from my supposedly solemn entry.

23-25 July 2004
(Fri) 8.00 p.m.
(Sat) 4.30 p.m. & 7.30 p.m.
(Sun) 9.00 a.m. 11.30 a.m. & 2.00 p.m.
Free hot dog & ice cream for
all new friends!

And my friends, to quote my beautiful mistress, "Anybody wants to join us? Feel free to contact me okiez? Hrmm, don't worry...even if you don't contact me, I will still contact you! Muahahahaha..." -BEAMS-

Here is God's word for me :

Heb 10:35-36 "Therefore do not cast away your confidence, which has great reward. For you have need of endurance, so that after you have done the will of God, you may receive the promise."

drained.

2004-07-07T11:20:00.000+08:00

Haven't been blogging for a couple of days and aint sure if you guys got bored with my previous entry. Haha. I'm sorry, but I've been pretty busy lately. Workload is piling up and there are tons and tons of books still left unread. Realized yesterday night at about 1 plus that I was supposed to complete the book by Homer by Wednesday and NOT by thursday. It made my heart drop, cuz there are 25 books in that 1 book, and I've only read until the 4th book. And to add to my misery, I realized my book only had until book 12. =/

Came back from the "Church Without Walls" seminar at about 1245 last night, and immediately busied myself doing up my notes. Started reading only at 1 plus cuz that was the time I realized that I had to finish the book by Wed. Couldn't finish reading cuz by 230, I was exhausted. As much as I wanted to complete at least until the 12th book, I couldn't cuz I knew my mind wasn't concentrating at all. We actually did about 18 poems (both long and short) and discussed 3 UOL exam questions for my lecture on Tueday. That drained me totally.

Indeed, doing a degree without going to a Poly/JC to me is like going to secondary school without going to primary school, and going to JC/Poly without going to secondary school. It's a humongous step I'm taking. The people in my class, have been to JC, and they've done 6 or 7 books for A levels. They talk about this play and that play. Where does that leaves me? I've only done 1 book, and it's NOT by shakespeare! The only shakespearen work I know is, Romeo and Juliet, and the only thing I know about the story is this quote. "Romeo, Romeo, Whereforth arth thou Romeo." =/ I seriously don't wanna continue blogging. Till I find the time to blog again, miss me!

Emotions

2004-07-04T22:56:00.000+08:00

The TV set in my room is blaring away and I have given up trying to read my book and do my notes in the room, so here I am typing this entry. Gotta read William Blake's "Songs of innocence and experience" by Tuesday and Homer's "The Odyssey" (which actually is about TROY) by Thursday. =/ I actually thought that tomorrow was a holiday for me, cuz my sister kept telling me it was a public holiday, and I already had plans for the day. -sigh- Guess I gotta re-schedule all my plans. I was actually secretly thrilled that I'll be missing lessons tomorrow cuz tomorrow's module is really difficult, alas, tomorrow is NOT a holiday for me.

That tendency to want to pick up that penknife again is returning. I so need to release the pent-up emotions in me - the frustrations, the anger, the confusion, the bitterness, the sadness inside me. But I know that the penknife should never be used to release those pent-up emotions in me. Only when everyone's asleep, then can I cry out to my God. But so hard I find it to cry. A contrite heart I do not have. Totally broken before God I am not. Pride I must put it away cuz no one can help me except Him.. My heart is crying out to be heard. Yet I know, I will not speak. This turmoil in me, who really knows??

On Another's Sorrow

Can I see another's woe,
And not be in sorrow too?
Can I see another's grief,
And not seek for kind relief?

Can I see a falling tear,
And not feel my sorrow's share?
Can a father see his child,
Weep, nor be with sorrow fill'd?

Can a mother sit and hear
An infant groan an infant fear?
No, no! Never can it be!
Never, never can it be!

And can he who smiles on all
Hear the wren with sorrows small,
Hear the small bird's grief and care,
Hear the woes that infants bear,

And not sit beside the nest,
Pouring pity in their breast;
And not sit the cradle near,
Weeping tear on infant's tear;

And not sit both night and day,
Wiping all our tears away?
O, no! Never can it be!
Never, never can it be!

He doth give his joy to all;
He becomes an infant small;
He becomes a man of woe;
He doth feel the sorrow too.

Think not thou canst sigh a sigh
And thy maker is not by;
Think not thou canst weep a tear
And thy maker is not near.

O! he gives to us his joy
That our grief he may destroy;
Till our grief is fled and gone
He do sit by us and moan.

~ William Blake ©

An idle mind is the devil's playgrd.

2004-07-02T23:23:00.000+08:00

I spent these last few days grappling with alot of thoughts. There are so many things I wanna say. So many things I wanna ask. But each time, when the opportunity arises for me to say, to ask, my mouth seems to not want to speak. Would I be saying the wrong things? How would the other party react to what I had to say? Would I hurt the other party? And would my words hit a raw end?

I've always struggled with speaking out not because I'm not eloquent, but because I don't believe what I'm speaking makes sense. I'm afraid of saying the wrong things, and most of the time, I know I'm wrong. It is this self-consciousness within me that I gotta rid myself of. So many times, the face of failure, the face of "you're-not-good enough" laughing and taunting me so vivdly flashes across my mind. And just as I'm beginning to think I can do it, these tauntings would spring into existence, and bring me down almost immediately.

This constant battling with the devil is not something I'm particularly enjoying cuz I know, the devil should never have been allowed to spar with me. But cunning as the devil is, it always seems to be able to find it's way into my mind. "An idle mind is the devil's playground/workshop." How true! Thank God I'm no longer idle! Lesser chances for the devil to invade my mind with his army.

Someone once told me, "When you're at the lowest point of in life, you can't get any lower. You can choose to stay at the bottom of the pit, but that'll only make you more miserable. God has His purpose for letting everything happen. Find that purpose and move out of the pit." So, no matter how the devil brings me down, he can never emerge victorious because I have the armour of God, and my God is a good and faithful God. And I believe, one day, you'll see a confident looking Deborah Kong and she'll be rattling non-stop, you'll have to pay her to shut her up. :D Haha!

Blackout!!

2004-06-30T22:56:00.000+08:00

Yesterday, Singapore was hit by a blackout, and my whole estate was hit too. We were one of the last few estates to get back our light cuz the papers reported that all were restored at midnight and we only got back our light at midnight. My neighbours were surprisingly calm when the blackout hit, cuz I had actually thought that Singaporeans would go into a frenzy (like my mum did). Now I know I'm wrong. Haha. It was a long, hot wait for the light to return and I don't understand how some Singaporeans can actually say, "We don't deserve this." BAH!

Ok, enough of this talk about the blackout, cuz I believe almost everyone will be blogging about that, so let's see what I have to say about school. Right now, I'm currenly rushing to read all my books and sadly to say, I have only finished 1 book, " A Midsummer's Night dream." Haha. Oh, and I actually started reading the book during the holidays. Haha!! =/ I'm reading 2 books at a time now, "Heart of Darkness", and "Lyrical Ballads". Thank God, the lecturers gave us the lesson plans as to which week they'll be doing which book, so it's so much easier.

We didn't really have proper lessons yet but just an introduction to the 4 different modules I'm taking. I learnt today that to understand good poetry, we must, to quote Coleridge, have this, "suspension of disbelief". We must learn to believe in what seems impossible to use in the 21st century. Interesting? Haha. -shrug-

The introduction to the four modules we had this week have left me pondering if I've actually signed up for the correct course. But I guess, since I've already started doing the B.A in English, Persist I must and shall!! Cuz with my Almighty God, nothing is impossible!!!

First day of school

2004-06-28T22:30:00.000+08:00

I think most of you are curious as to how my first day of school went today right? It was ok I guess. I strode into the class with my heart pounding at more than 72 times a minute, which isn't actually much of a surprise anyway. There are 15 people in my class, including a man who I suppose is in his 30s? (He was balding. Opps! :P) Because it was the first lesson, and to break the ice, the lecturer, Jeeshan told us to introduce ourselves and we had to say our name, why we chose the course and what we're expecting to get out of the course. Apparently, most of us who chose this course are actually running away from something. Haha! There were answers like, "Oh. I don't wish to be doing what everybody is doing." "Because this course doesn't have anything to do with Maths." "I don't wish to be conformed to the world." "Took Lit in Sec Sch before and I loved it!"

Me: "Erm, I'm Deborah and I chose this course because I like writing and I believe that this course will help me to improve my english, and the way I write." To each, I would like to say that a couple of the students said they were interested in creative writing too and Jeeshan said that we won't be learning how to write, but instead, we'll be taught the different styles of writing. There was a strong urge to say, "oh. because I couldn't get into SIM." But I decided that since I'm in Stansfield, I shall not mention about SIM anymore.

If you people thought my english was good, then you people are probably wrong cuz the students in my class speaks PERFECT ENGLISH! *deadpans* We learnt about Figurative and Literal Language today. I'll show an example of a figurative language and a literal language. Figurative is used in a sense that is tropical, as a metaphor; not literal.

Figurative: "We are dead tired."
Literal: "We are exhausted."

So in this case, the word "dead" is the vehicle, and the word, "completely exhausted" is the tenor. Tenor is the actual/implied meaning, whereas vehicle is the direct/literal meaning.

Some tropes in Figuratitve language : Metaphor, Personification, Metonymy, Symbol, Allegory, Paradox, Overstatement, Understatement, Irony. We touched on Metaphor today. (I wished I had paid more attention in Ms Kang's class about what's a metaphor, what's personification..)

Profound isn't it?!! It's only the beginning and I already can picture myself balding. (From the constant pulling of hair that is.) The above is only an extract from my notes. Should you be interested to know more, you can ask me. Haha. Oh yes! I had the "honour" of being the first student to answer the lecturer's question and the sentence I gave was wrong. =/

You don't mean anything to me. Not anymore..

Uncle's 60th Birthday

2004-06-27T23:38:00.000+08:00

Today's my uncle's 60th birthday and we had dinner at Serangoon Garden Country Club's Jumbo! Had to rush home straight after service today and it was indeed weird not being able to fellowship with my CG, and being home early on a Sunday. Today's service was superb! Am getting all excited for missions! Lost souls lost souls lost souls and lost souls! We're gonna win them! One heart at a time. And I believe it's going to be an exciting time! "Here I am! Send me!!"

The dinner was not too bad. There was karaoke in the room! Haha. And then we were all cajoled into singing a song each. Haha. It was fun and I'll show you guys some pictures below. One is me with my aunt, and we were singing our rendition of "sad movies"! I think I'm kinda retro, cuz all the songs I was singing were all oldies!! Hahaha. Careless Whisper, Sad Movies, Que Sara Sara!! =D I almost wanted to sing, "The end of the world" but it's kinda inappropriate huh? Hahaha. Next time perhaps. I also wanted to sing "How am I supposed to live without you", but I think I'll do that alone. The other picture is the birthday boy, which is my uncle and my aunt and cousins. The food wasn't very good though. Haha.

sad day.

2004-06-26T23:34:00.000+08:00

Today is a sad day. Why? Cuz my boss lost her handphone. -sigh- Like me, her handphone meant the world to her. It's not the phone. It's the messages that's in it. The other time when I had to cruelly delete all the messages in my handphone, I was devastated and I guess that's how she feels now. It's quite sad to know that there's nothing I can do. "It would break my heart/to ever see you sad", when I wrote this, I meant every word I said, from the bottom bottomest(if there's such a word) of my heart, so I was sad cuz I know she was very sad. It was easy to tell. She'll normally be the one talking to me on the bus, but this time, we were both quiet again. As much as I wanted to talk to her, I know she wasn't in the mood. I wanted to ask if she wanted a hug when I was at the bus stop waiting for the bus with her. But a gutless me didn't have the guts to ask and the bus came, and I never asked. =/ Action speaks louder than words. But my words always speaks louder than my actions and I know sometimes, words are never enough. But, -shrug-

England Heartbreak

2004-06-25T12:19:00.000+08:00

I'm heartbroken. Stayed up to watch England v Portugal in the Euro 2004 Quarter Finals and when England had the lead in the 3rd min, I was thrilled. Then Rooney, the young man who carried England to the quarter finals on his shoulder was substituted cuz of an injury, and the rest they say it's history. It was an exciting match all the way. I fell asleep during the 2nd half and woke up only at the 75th min. (When Figo was substituted). I crossed my fingers hoping England would see it through cuz England had a knack in throwing away their lead in the last min, and sure they did in the 83rd min and Portugal, as though given a new lease of life attacked like crazy. When Portugal scored, I could almost vividly picture Andrew laughing hard at me just as he did when France won 2-1 in the last 2 mins.(God forbid!!) Extra Time. Portugal scored first and this time my heart was in my mouth. But England fought on, and scored the equaliser. So it was off to the penalties. David Beckham missed his kick and you could almost hear the breaking of the English fans' hearts and mine too. Portugal won 5-4 on penalties. It was a sad sad result for England. I guess one will never understand how Vassell(the guy who missed the other penalty)or Beckham is going through now. They cried. But then again, this is football and anything can happen. The passion of the fans. The passion of the players. The passion of the game. That is the beautiful game of football. The nation will weep, and so will I. God save the queen.

Decided to write all my poems into a book starting from the 1st poem I've written! Haha. Spent the night waiting for the soccer match to start doing that. Wrote my thoughts about each poem too and it certainly brought back alot alot alot of memories. Sweet. Sad. Bitter. :)

Me? Green Tea? No Way man!

2004-06-24T19:59:00.000+08:00

Green Tea...
You are Green Tea!
Strong and very smart you prefer peace to violence
and very rarely take action if it involves
confrontation. But you make up for this with
your keen insight and understanding of the
world and people around you, you have a very
mysterious nature. Many people see you as laid
back and that may be true but you are very
intelligent and make good decisions.

What type of Tea are you? {-With Anime Pictures!-}
brought to you by Quizilla

Eeeks! I'm don't wanna be green tea!!!!! *wails* My boss is so going to laugh when she reads this cuz she loves green tea and I don't. I took the quiz for fun, there was actually a few category and I actually chose the "What Kind of Tea Are You." To my dismay, it really turned out that I'm green tea!!! No!! *pouts*

Seems like I've been thinking today is Wednesday and tomorrow is Thursday!!! =/ Goodness gracious me. What's happening?! -sigh- Thinking of writing another poem. Will see how but I gotta end here cuz it's DINNER TIME! And you people know what? Soo Chin ate her dinner at 5!! Yes! 5!! That's so early!! No wonder she keeps complaining that she's hungry. Tsk.

harworking brain cells.

2004-06-23T23:00:00.000+08:00

My creative brain cells are working extremely hard these past few days. Haha! I wrote 2 poems on Saturday, 2 poems on Monday, and I wrote 2 poems today! Including a chinese poem!! Yeah. It's a chinese poem!! Hahaha. My first attempt and I think it's not bad. But I don't think I'll be writing in chinese again cuz it's really hard.

As I read my past entries, I realized I've been very wordy. Haha. Does that turn you off? But then again, I have alot of things to say and no matter how I tell myself not to write so much, I always end up writing a full page or even more! Haha. Writing is fun! It allows me to express fully how I'm feeling so even if you guys choose not to read my posts cuz they're too long, it wouldn't deter me from writing long posts, cuz I LIKE IT! Hahaha. =D oh! I aint gonna change the quote cuz I like that quote, so till I find another quote I like, I won't be changing that! And I won't be changing the mood anytime from now too. Feeling sick now. So I don't think I'm going to continue blogging, so meanwhile, while you await for my return, do continue to miss me.

I Wish

Oh I only wish you could see
this madly infatuated me
who longs for your hand to hold
when the nights are oh so cold.

Oh I only wish you would know
how much in love I am with you.
and I only wish I could show
this deep longing I have for you.

Oh how much longer must I hide
this secret love of mine inside?
When will I be able to tell you
that "i'm actually in love with you"?

~ kAeJ ©

For A Special Friend.

2004-06-22T00:10:00.000+08:00

This is a poem specially dedicated to my boss. You folks might not feel anything reading this, but it's specially for her, so as long as she feels something, it's an accomplishment! :D

For A Special Friend

It would break my heart
to ever see you sad
and if we ever had to part
I won't forget the times we had

There will come a day
when you'll no longer be with me
and this is what I'll have to say
"that in my heart you'll always be"

You're one special friend
someone who's so very dear,
whom I always can depend
to lend me a listening ear.

Whenever I'm down
you're always there.
And you're always around
to show how much you really care.

Nothing will ever replace
your place in my heart.
And nothing will ever erase
these memories of you in me.

~ kAeJ ©

Wrote another poem later in the night. But this poem is kinda negative. So do take it with a pinch of salt!

Pretense

When does this journey end?
How long more do I have to pretend?
Countless nights I've spent in tears
But no one seems to hear my prayers.

I'm tired of always being a clown.
This burden, it's weighing me down.
When can I ever reveal the real me?
and be who I really should be?

No one knows the pain,
the loneliness that resides in my heart.
These feelings I can't contain
and from the world I wish to part...

~ kAeJ ©

Perfect

2004-06-21T01:52:00.000+08:00

Perfect - Simple Plan

Hey dad look at me
Think back and talk to me
Did I grow up according to plan?
Do you think i'm wasting my time
Doing things I wanna do?
But it hurts when you disapprove all along

And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't pretend that I'm all right
and you can't change me

'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing last for ever
I'm sorry I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and we can't go back
I'm sorry I can't be perfect

I try not to think
About the pain I feel inside
Did you know you used to be my hero?
All the days you spent with me
Now seem so far away
And it feels like you don't care anymore

And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't stand another fight
And nothing's alright

Nothing's gonna change the things that you said
Nothing's gonna make this right again
Please don't turn your back
I can't believe it's hard just to talk to you
And you don't understand

This song strikes a chord. And I don't deny that I teared listening to this song. Yes, no one is perfect. You or me. All of us are imperfect in one way or another. I'm sorry I made you sad. I'm sorry I've let you down time and again. I'm sorry I'm not able to make you proud. I'm sorry I didn't turn out to be the person you wanted me to become. I'm sorry I crushed the high hopes you had in me. I'm sorry. You've hurt me, and I've hurt you too. Are we square now??

Israel trip

2004-06-20T00:30:00.000+08:00

Yup! My boss, Huiling and Ying2 are back from Israel! They had a blast of a time over at Israel and I think they want to go back there again next year. Haha! Actually, I think all of us wants to go to Israel. They say it's a must go place for Christians. The presence of God is just so so tangible, so so powerful over at Israel, at least that's how they felt. =D They had alot to talk about Israel!! Haha. I actually just came back from Marina. We went there after CG to fellowship. :D

My boss is the nicest and sweetest being I've ever known on earth. (no. i'm not being bias :P) Haha! Guess what she brought back for me from Israel? A box of matches!!! Hahaha. Well she said it's something I liked very much, but I didn't know I like matches. Haha. I guess it has got to do with the time when she came over to my house to stay cuz I had candles in my room and I was lighting matches and I was telling her that I like them. Haha. It's ok. I like whatever she gives me! :P Haha! She wrote me a postcard too!!! So touched and I like what she wrote! Hahahahaha. She also gave me a pendant. I think it is one. It's a shape of a fish with a cross inside and it's very nice I think. She said she hope I'll be a fisher of men! :D How nice right?? How many of you are envious? :P To JiAhUi: "Thanks my dearest Boss!! Je taime! :D" Ooh, Ying2 gave me a keychain too! And it's very nice! It's the cross of Jerusalem. Thanks Ying2!

Ok. This is like, "MORNING LATEST!!" Haha. It's 0245 now. And I'm going to post a poem, dedicated to Huiying. It's supposed to be "The Shepherd and the sheep." But I've decided to alter the title.

The Lost Sheep and Jesus

Lost and scattered everywhere
hoping for someone who would care.
Someone to whom my heart I could bare
to whom my burden he could share.

My life was a bore
living seemed a chore
and myself I had begun to abhor
Nothing seemed to matter anymore.

Then I met this someone
Jesus He said is His name
and from Heaven He had come
to give my mundane life an aim.

Like an angel sent from above
He filled the cold me with His love.
And now I no longer am lost
For He has found me and called me His.

~ kAeJ ©

I've just finished another poem!! Hahaha! it's 300am now! The creative juices are flowly extra freely tonight!!! Here it goes, and NO, I am NOT in love.

I Love

I love the way u make me smile -
how you'll make my heart skip a beat
whenever you're within a mile.

I love the look in your eyes -
the hope I always see
and the sparkle that never dies.

I love the warmth of your hand
and this closeness that we share
when next to each other we stand.

I love everything about you
and this promise to you I'll make
that my love'll always remain true.

I love you.

~ kAeJ ©

The Best Bet

2004-06-17T15:48:00.000+08:00

I found myself in the cinema this morning, no actually it was 1230 in the afternoon. Haha. Went to watch "The Best Bet". I think it's a typical Jack Neo film. You know, "Homerun", "Money No Enough", "The Best Bet" is somewhat similar to the other Jack Neo films. The show is not bad, and I was surprised to find so many people in the cinema with me. Haha. The cinema at Toa Payoh is normally quite deserted. Probably only a handful each time I go there to watch a movie. But I guess it probably has to do with the holidays, and that it is a Singaporean film. One thing about Jack Neo's films are that, they are suitable for everyone - from kids to your grannies and grandpas. You will never find your grandma or grandpa watching, "Harry Potter", or "Troy" right? Hahaha.

I particularly like this scene in the movie whereby stacks and stacks of bank notes are put neatly on the bed of Chen Li Ping. Haha. The sight was really "WOW". I never saw so much money in my entire life!! Haha. I wonder if it's real money. Hahahaha. Ok, so actually the movie is not too bad. This is actually the 3rd movie I'm watching alone. The first was, "Summer Holiday", and the second was, "Pearl Harbor". I wanna watch, "A Cinderella Story"! Opening in August. Seems like a pretty interesting show. It's a comedy I think.

Woo. 17th June. The day I've been waiting for so long!! Hahaha!! They're coming back tonight!! Aint too sure about the time though. :D

Fear of Failure?

2004-06-16T01:37:00.000+08:00

Wee. School's starting in 2 weeks and I'm excited yet at the same time apprehensive. Haha. Back to hitting the books and after being out of touch from books, lectures, school, I guess it's going to take me some time before I fully settle in. Haha. Not to mention, the stress that's going to so quickly pile up. We're talking about a diploma now which actually I think it's 1st year of Uni, and it's definately not going to be a stroll in the park. (I wish)

Literature I wouldn't say is my cup of tea. Like Huiying said, "It's one thing to be interested in something, and another thing to be studying that something you're interested in." There was a slight tinge of regret (haha) when I signed up for the Dip in English @ Stansfield. As I look through the texts once and then, and when I think about the 4 modules which I'm supposed to pass in order to move on to 2nd year Uni, somehow, this fear (the fear of failure perhaps) slowly creeps in. My past failures probably has been playing a part in allowing this fear of failure again to creep in. However, I know that perfect love casts out fear.

No doubt, it's going to be inevitable that there will be some kind of fear at certain stage, but this fear of failure MUST and SHOULD NEVER be allowed to linger in my mind and be that obstacle, that threat that is going to deter me from unleashing my potential, and from my destiny!

Just Tell Me

What do I mean to you?
Do you even have a clue?
Really, I wished I knew.
But am I just a shadow passing through?

If you'll just let me know
I promise I'll quietly go
and our memories I'll throw.
But first you gotta let me know.

My love for you is real.
You know that's how I feel.
But if we cannot be together
then stop drawing me in deeper.

~ kAeJ ©

A lazy entry.

2004-06-14T00:26:00.000+08:00

There's something wrong with the blog layout picture. Gotta slowly try to find out what's wrong, if not I gotta change skin again?!! -argh- I don't wanna change the skin cuz I liked the skin. Never mind. I shall get down to the root of the problem, when I'm free. (ok. when i'm not feeling so lazy.)

Haven't blogged for a couple of days basically cuz I was lazy. Haha. Went to Sentosa with my CG and w243 on Saturday and man, it was filled with so much fun!! Of cuz my boss, huiling and yingying weren't there to join us, but we had our fun without them too. :D We played dog and bone, a newspaper game which required us to search for the required item, say, "nike jersey. limited edition. $135". So we were supposed to look for the page and that particular logo. and then we played this game where we had to act out a particular famous person/movie/animal/sports to our team members. Then there was the sandcastle building competition combined with water bombs. Each group were supposed to build a sandcastle each and we were supposed to protect our "castle" from the water bombs. It was fun and Jon showed us what he learnt in NS - "How to defend your country". Haha. He was heroic man! It's hard for me to describe. But we have the pics uploaded, so if you wanna see them, just tag my board with ur email or mail me. :D So all in all, we had a great time, and my team, consisting of Jon, Me, Maureen and Daohui a.k.a Black Eagles were the champions!!!!! :P Hahahaha. YAY!

My boss, Huiling and Yingying are coming back!!! Yay! Hahaha. Service was great! Alot of the leaders and pastors were in Israel, but the church is not built on one man or one woman, but the whole congregation and God's presence. So we still had a very annointed service. God's presence was tangible and the fire of Missions is going to be burning so strongly in our hearts. I was actually thinking during the service if I could go to Bible School and do my degree at the same time. Or maybe even when I'm doing my diploma. Since school's in the afternoon and SOT should be in the morning. Will pray about it! :D Anyway, WORLD, CHINA, watch out! cuz here we come!! We gonna win the lost for Jesus!

Oh anyway, Euro 2004. I'm rooting for England. And no, not becuz David Beckham is the captain of the team. England England England!!

Persist I must and shall.

2004-06-10T00:15:00.000+08:00

"I don't think I'll use the Borders card because Borders is in Orchard and I doubt I'll set foot upon Orchard within the next few months. Haha!" Thinking back, I think I spoke too fast because I found myself stepping foot at Orchard not once, but a couple of times this month. Haha. Went to Lido with my boss to watch "Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind", and I went to Borders today to get my books. Actually I went to MPH(citylink), and Times(Suntec) before deciding to go to Borders to find my books. Bought 13 books today for 168bucks. 4 will be given to me by kind souls, Cherie and Serena, and I'll need to get another 12. Couldn't find them at Borders though. I think I'm pretty much a loser cuz I didn't know my way around in Town. Haha! I had to call my mum and asked her how to go to Borders. I think I'm a street idiot. =/

Haha. I miss my boss. It's only the 4th day! Haha. I think my handphone misses my boss too cuz my boss sms-es me everyday, even during the time when she was in Australia. It's pretty nice of her to msg me when she was in Australia cuz it burnt a hole in her pocket after that. I wouldn't want her to sms me from Israel!! But now that, she's in Israel and with Huiling, there's no need to msg me cuz she has a companion and she wouldn't be bored. :) I wanted to sms her yesterday night! The desire was so strong!! Just to sms her and say hi and asking them to take care. Haha!! and I actually typed the msg at about 1230 last night but I cleared it half an hour later and decided I shall not sms her. (erm actually I did, at 2am. =X) But it'll be the 1st and the last. Persist I shall and must. I must learn to be independent, if not cherie will call me a "pathetic being" again. They'll be back in a week's time. Can't let you guys think I cannot take care of myself and cannot do without my boss. Haha.

I'm going to busy myself with inviting friends to Sentosa, in catching up with my boss's fruit, and my fruit, and to read my texts. :P One week will pass in the blink of an eye. Till the 17th of June, Persist I shall and must. :D

Lisa's Wedding

2004-06-07T16:33:00.000+08:00

Yesterday was Lisa's wedding and it was also the day my boss, Huiling and Yingying left for the Israel study tour. Heard Jae was going too. =X

The wedding was great! Haha! It was the 1st time I've been to a Christian Wedding,[Holy Matrimony] and it was also the first time I realize that Lisa is GORGEOUS! Haha! I guess it's true when people say that women often look the best on their wedding. Their faces were radiating with love. Haha. It was absolutely touching when the bride walked down the aisle with her dad, with the crowd cheering and the bridegroom looking proud and happy. I think Lisa teared, haha, and it almost made me cry too. Well, I guess yesterday was such a day when any faint tug of the heartstrings would make me cry. Funny thing was that they didn't say "I do", but they said, "I will." haha! So after the Matrimony, it was photo-taking with the bride and groom before the dinner commenced.

Dinner was supposed to start at 730 and we had been there since 530 for the Matrimony, but then, the dinner only started at 830. I couldn't exact;y count the number of times I yawned while sitting at the table waiting for the dinner to start. Me and a friend, Jingyi were seated on table 12 with strangers. Haha. We were strangely 2 ex-students from church and according to the teachers, we were the "Gems" of CHEC. and cuz Lisa's husband was in the airforce, they had the airforce people as swordbearers and man, it was cool! Haha! Lisa and her hubby walked down the aisle with the 8 airforce guys as their swordbearers. Of cuz, a wedding isn't complete without the usual teasing of the bride and groom. Both of them had to stop at every 2 swordbearers, and there were 4 stops in all. The first obstacle was that the groom had to show how he proposed to his bride and when he went down on one knee, everybody went "oooooh". Haha, the 2nd obstacle was that he had to kiss 3 different parts of the bride. He had to gulp down a glass of beer in one breath in the 3rd obstacle and the last obstacle and the simpliest obstacle was to carry his bride on the stage. It was easy becuz Lisa was slim and her guy was, strong. Haha!

The food was good too! Jingyi and I actually moved to sit with the teachers from CHEC after a while cuz they had 2 extra seats. It was fun sitting with the teachers. The teachers were discussing who'll be next to get married. How many tables they'll have at the wedding dinner etc. Haha. We kinda self-served ourself cuz the waiters and waitress were pretty slow and we were HUNGRY. Haha. It was hilarious becuz other tables had the waiters and waitress serving them, eg. cutting the fish, but we did it all on our own. When the waiter changed the plates after every dish, we helped by putting the spoons on the plates ourselves. The waiter was bemused by our antics but only smiled. Haha. One of the teachers even suggested that we go into the kitchen and help ourselves!! The overall-incharge of the waiters and waitress saw that we were cutting the fisht ourselves and offered to help, but we rejected him and said that we told the waiter we'll do it ourself in order to prevent the waiter from getting into any trouble. Here's a look at what we ate, "The Barbecue and Seafood Combination Platter, Braised Shark's Fin with Dried Scallops and Crabmeat, Stir-Fried Prawns with Lychee ad Dried Chilli topped with Cashew Nuts, Stewed Duck and Sea Cucumber with Chestnuts, Sliced Abalone and Dried Mushrooms with Seasonal Vegetables, Steamd Fresh Garoupa with Spring Onion Julienne in Light Soya Sauce, Sauteed Broccoli with Shredded Dried Scallops, Stewed Ee-Fu Noodles with Shredded Chicken and Yellow Chives, and Glutinous Rice Dumplings wih Snow Fungus in Brown Sugar Syrup" Yum..

Halfway through the dinner, the bride and groom said their thank you speech in english and chinese and they also played the "tea-ceremony video" and a "music video". This music video was created by one of the groom's mate in the airforce. Apparently, people were shocked when the groom said he was getting married, because with his irregular work hours, people didn't think anyone would marry him. So the video was actually how the bride and groom met and fell in love. It was sweet!!! The groom's mate must have put in alot of effort in the video because it usually takes a long time doing a Music Video. And since it was in flash, every single slide required a whole lot of work!! and the video was accompanied by David Tao's "Ai Heng Jian Dan." It was sweet and very romantic!

oh yes. I was pretty casually dressed compared to the other people who went for the wedding and I almost died when I saw them so formal. Haha! I was in my pants and t-shirt. So I had to you know, shrug off the unwanted "attention". Haha. Oh, c'mon, you don't wanna dress so nice and steal the limelight from the bride rights?! that was what I had in mind!! (yeah right.)

P/S: Beautiful and Jon, are you guys next? I wanna be the emcee ok?! Hahahah!!!

Wonder if they reached Israel...

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

2004-06-05T14:17:00.000+08:00

wanted to blog last night but my boss "pressured" me to watch "A midsummer night's dream" which was showing on 5 at 12 last night. I didn't understand a single thing they spoke, probably because of their accent and I fell asleep l quarter way through the show. I only know one of the character said, "the course of true love never run straights." Haha.

went to watch, "Eternal Sunshine of the spotless mind" with my boss at Lido last night. Recommended by Peilin and I must say this is a pretty confusing show. The starting was alittle boring and my boss fell asleep to which I thought I made a mistake in asking her to watch this movie. Thank God, she enjoyed the show after the boring start. Haha! You gotta watch the whole movie to be able to totally comprehend what the plot is about. It's a good story line I feel. It's quite interesting cuz the guy wanted to erase the girl from his memory but realizes he can't bear to forget her. Had a nice time with my boss. I think it was the first time, we went out together. Haha. As in, just me and her. Haha. Yup. It was nice just listening to her talk and talk. I'm happy just to listen. :D

They're going to Israel tomorrow. And just when I was thinking whether I should go to my boss's house tomorrow morning to pass her the letter, Andrew called me and asked if I'd like to go to the airport cuz a friend wanted to go and andrew thought it'd be weird if he could go alone so he asked me. Truly God knows the desire of our hearts. Haha! I was just telling God that I wanted to send them off and how since we had to go service. So i'll be going to the airport tomorrow, then service and then lisa's wedding! And I'll impatiently wait for the 11 days to pass. Hopefully it wouldn't be a drag.

to my boss: Yes. I will remember my fruit and your fruit. don't worry!! :P

"You can erase someone from your memory. Getting them out of your heart is another story" - Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.

Emerge

2004-06-03T01:06:00.000+08:00

My biological clock is so screwed up. I'm not sleeping when I'm supposed to sleep, and I'm sleeping when I aint supposed to sleep. This week has been pretty hectic what with the Youth Conference[Emerge] going on. The conference is on tues, wed and thurs and is from 10-10. So you can imagine what time I have to be up in order that I reach church at 8. Yup. I have to wake up at 530. And I like go to bed only at 3? If you ask me to "sleep earlier lar." Sorry, but that doesn't work cuz it seems no matter how early I sleep, I still can't sleep. I wake up at 530 and I reach home only at about 12 and after I bathed, I'll be so awake though I try to close my eyes but when I open them, it's already like 1 hr has passed or something. It's extreme I know. So tell me what can I do?

Emerge has been phenomenal. Tomorrow is the last day of the conference. Learnt alot and fresh new revelations. Think many of us are tired physically. Haha. Cuz we have to queue up, and we queue at level 3 and the auditorium is at B4, which means when the door opens, we gotta go down 4 floors. Haha. It's tiring cuz everybody's rushing. And then, everybody's queuing and we're like packed sardines and the weather isn't off much help. Alot of running. alot of climbing up and down stairs. Alot of perspiring, alot of lessons learnt and alot of fun. The conference is pretty awesome, with the sharing of the Word by Pastor Kong, and we have competitions like talentime, word power and extreme sports. My CG took part in Talentime! Via Veritas Vita!! Haha. and they were fantastic!! :P This conference is actually meant for youths - youths who are studying and below the age of 26. So everything's quite vibrant and energetic cuz we're youths! :D Had a great time and am looking forward to the finale tomorrow.

My boss, huiling and Yingying's going to Israel on Sunday. Which means, we won't get to see them off cuz they're leaving in the morning. =( I told Beautiful today, "my boss going Israel on Sunday le.. I'll miss her, how?" And you know what her reply was? "time to be independent." Haha. Thanks ah.

Addicted to the computer.

2004-06-01T01:48:00.000+08:00

It's been pretty hard to peel myself away from my computer these days. It's 1am now and even though I've got to wake up at 545 tomrrow morning, here I am still typing my blog entry. Suddenly it seems as though there's so many things to do online. Haha! Maybe I'm just being inquisitive. It's always in the wee hours of the morning that I finally reluctantly drag myself to bed. Am I running away from something? That's for you to find out, and for me to know.

It's amazing to know how small Singapore really is. Haha! I realized recently that Peilin knows the friend who plagarized my poems because they're from the same school. Haha. I'm tickled and I'm pretty amused by her antics to avoid deborah kong AT ALL COST. Moving her blog, removing her tag-board, and blocking me from MSN. The conscience must be pricking. Hahaha. But she simply doesn't know how resourceful deborah kong is and I've managed to find her new blog.*lets out a loud guffaw* And I can't help but laugh each time I think about it. Maybe I should ask the people I know in that school to form a group and stare at her round the clock, like what so and so and co. used to do to me in SAC cuz of so and so. *sniggers* but that'll be really lame, and being the nice and lazy being I am, I won't go that extra mile to make life difficult for her. Hahaha! But I would love to talk to her one day.

Alot of things to say, yet I know some things cannot be said. It should forever remain a thought cuz you never know what'll happen when these thoughts are said. It could spell the end of a friendship, it could spell the end of alot of things which I will never try to risk. *sigh* I should just stop thinking so much.

SAC - Via Veritas Vita!

2004-05-29T23:56:00.000+08:00

I ripped this off my friend's blog.

Your Secondary School: St. Anthony's Canossian Secondary School - Via Veritas Vita! Haha.

1. nickname in high school? deb. debbie baby. haha. all thanks to the public speaking guy. haha. kongy.ah kong.

2. sport you were into? haha! i used to take part in the 8X50 thingy and the shotput? is that how u spelled it?

3. had a gang of frens? how many were you? Definately! haha. esp in sec 3 and 4. Hung around the smart gals in the sch, serena, geneca, mingyi, fiona, yanqi, cherie, salina, Jiali. You can always find me in the 4/7 classroom during recess without fail. :D

4. best subject? you wouldn't believe it. but it was chinese. Hahaha! I used to aced the subject ok? but it deteroriated [my dear boss, correct spelling?] after I left school.

5. worst subject? Hahaha! it definately had to be Maths. Put deborah kong with algebric expressions and what do you get? Greek.

6. a teacher you owe life lessons to? Ms Karen Kang. Man she's the best at pep talk. Ms Adrienne Ho was pretty good to me too. gave me lots of encouragements. She wrote to me! Yes, a teacher writing to me. :D not once, but quite a number of times. She'll pass me the letters discreetly in class. LOL. walking up to my table and sliding the letter underneath. SHhhhh!

7. a teacher you wanna kick in the ass? hmmm. None. Hahaha. Though I had my differences with Quah, but he's one interesting guy when he aint angry. Haha.

**Describe**

8 sec 1 year: Ms Mah was our form teacher! Former Sportswoman of the year and she was still playing for Singapore at that time. ahh.. and Jae came to teach us when Ms Mah had to play for Singapore.
9 sec 2 year: awesome and unforgetable time with the super united sec 2/8.
10 sec 3 year: was pretty quiet in class. only talked to Salina.
11 sec 4 year: slightly ok with my classmates, but I still prefered my click. Had fun with 4/5 cuz they're a pretty nice bunch actually.
12 sec 5 year: almost ended up there, but thank God it didn't happen.

13. your best friend was? erm. i don't have a best friend. even till today I think.

14. your worst friend was? Hahahah! can I name her???? i think pple who knows me should know lar. You know you know??? *chuckles*

15. cafeteria food sucked? not too bad. it was edible. but in sec 4, we started bringing our own food to share cuz it was a hassle to run down from 4 storey to the already swarmed canteen.

16. most hilarious school rule? oooh. I love the using masking tape to write your name when you didn't bring your name time. It was SO attention seeking. LOL.

17. wore uniforms? had to right?

18. how was the prom? no prom. Grad nite.

19. who was prom king and queen? erm, 4/5 was Izyanty I think. ooh. Mamamia the maid on the channel 8 show @ 7 was the prom queen of her class.

20. any achievements? hahaha. received a couple of service award frm the school. took part in Odysessy of the Mind? hahaha. and OBS? wahaha.

21. were you popular? definately. thanks to Judy. *sniggers*

22. best song that reminds you of high school? our class song! "it's getting hot in here.." "at first I was afraid, I was petrified..." "I love you baby, and when.."

23. unforgettable sec school crush? Hahaha. All girls' school. 1st crush was erm... cannot say right? lol... i definately had some.. now still have? hahahahhaa.

24. most embarrassing moment? oh. When Quah sent me to RTC in sec 1 and I had to go back to English class and Jae was in class, and he was like, "are you ok? You wanna cry? you can come to my office and we can cry together. I've got a box of tissue on my table." and the whole class roared with laughter. and of cuz, Mr Ivan Ho...He blushes each time he talks to me and the whole class would tease me and him. -_-

25. memory you'd like to forget about sec school? hahaha. actually none. I love my sec sch days.

26. best memory? all in days spent in SAc were great memories.

27. any regrets? yeah. we organized a class gathering with Jae but the gathering never took place. hahahaha! nah. maybe, I didn't study hard enough.

28. would you like your "future child" to attend your high school? Nopes. Even though I love SAC, but nopes. Cuz I think the standard of the school has dropped tremendously.

29. were the bathrooms clean? hahahaha. what do you think? all the toilets in school had wet tissue papers stuck on the ceilings. hahaha.

29. where do you hang out after school? TM, bedok. CS. East point. LOL. and in school.

30. song that would best describe your sec? hmmm.. don't know. hahaha.

Dip in English

2004-05-29T01:56:00.001+08:00

As students of literature, we are the gatekeepers of our thoughts. It is only by reading, by engaging with minds greater than ours that we stand in awe at the magnificent living universe of our inward experiences. What is really unique about the serious study of literature is the quiet revolutions that occur every day within the recesses of our minds.Writers are very special kinds of people as their primary role is to reflect upon and explain the world in which they live.

Inspiring huh? Did it make you go "WOW"? Cuz it certainly made me go "WOW." I ripped this off from the website of Stansfield College, under the Dip in English [Why Study Lit]. Ok, I added this: "Why Study Lit" Haha! But basically, I think the above totally sums up why we should do the Dip in English. We always have this mis-conception that Dip in English = English. Solely English. I don't deny that I always thought Dip in English meant English till I met the lecturer at Stansfield. The British people term English as Literature so basically, the diploma I'm taking up is actually a dip in Literature. Yup! I'm a student of Stansfield College! Truly when God close one door, He opens another! This shall be the place where I'll shine for Him!

There are 4 modules - Explorations in Lit 1 and 2, Approaches to Text and Renaissance Comedy and it takes 12 months to complete this diploma, of which then I'll be able to move on direct to Year 2 of the BA programme. It's a step of faith, truly, for me to take up Dip in English. Why? you may ask, since I do seem to enjoy English. The answer is simple, it's because this is Literature. Haha. I've only done "The Crucible" for Os and thanks to an awesome Lit teacher, I was able to get a B3 for combined Humanities. When the lecturer, Mr Geeshan spoke to me about the course, I have to admit, what he said was totally greek to me. He named a whole string of writers, poets and their works - Homer, Sophocles. Geoffrey Chaucer, Christopher Marlowe, Ben Jonson, James Joyce, Samuel Beckett.. the list goes on and out of the so many poets/writers he named,I only knew, William Wordsworth and of cuz William Shakspeare. Haha!

It's alittle intimidating to know that I've to complete about 14-15 texts within a year and then sit for the exam by the University of London. I'd need a pass for each module in order to get my Dip and proceed on to Uni. And of cuz, I'm not going to aim to pass. I'm aiming for 1st Class honors. Haha! Though he said, people generally are at the 2nd Class upper and lower. But who knows huh? :D Only the best in Asia would get the chance to choose whether to take the degree in London or in Singapore, but the advice given was to take the degree in Singapore and then to London for honors.

Alot of shopping to be done before school starts on June 28. I gotta get a whole lot of Lit texts. I'll be having afternoon classes from Mondays to Thurs 1400-1730. Seriously, I can't wait to start school again, but whether my almost-rusty brain can adapt to such a fast-paced school life remains to be seen. For now, I shall be a diligent student and get myself prepared and equipped with the works of the famous writers and poets.

Perhaps, one day, when our children learn about Literature, among William Shakespeare and co. there'll be a kAeJ.... *dreams*

The reason

2004-05-28T01:07:00.000+08:00

Wanted to blog but didn't have alot to say except that my left wrist hurts alot. There's a bruise at the side of my wrist and according to Shi, my wrist is alittle swollen, but I think it must be fats. Haha! Shi asked if I hit myself again. Haha! My answer was no of course! I may have been pretty low and down this week and last week, but no, I haven't hurt myself anymore. After since, I promised my boss. So, even though the URGE was there, haha, I didn't do it. But my left wrist pain pain pain. :( Shall post a lyric though. It's quite a nice song. I like the lyrics. Read on ok? Btw, it's the song to my blog too!

The Reason - Hoobastank

I'm not a perfect person
there're many things I wish I didn't do
but I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
and so I have to say before I go
that I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me
to change who i used to be
a reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
Thats why I need you to hear

I've found a reason for me
to change who I used to be
a reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you

someone pls just save me, help me please don't break me, my heart's pounding save me

Thanks Fan.

2004-05-26T23:46:00.000+08:00

are you suppose to feel happy or angry when you realize somebody is plagarising your work? Happy cuz it means that somebody appreciates your work, angry cuz that somebody is using your work. -shrug- It is most unfortunate that I recently found out a primary school mate of mine publishing my poems on her blog and signing off with her name. To a certain extend, it made me angry because she modified some of the words. I almost wanted to delete all my writings and stop writing for which I thank God, cuz I didn't. I guess I wasn't in the right frame of mind that time. Anyway, my writings aren't copyright, so I can't blame her for using my works actually. But, I'm kinda hurt and disappointed by that behavior. -sigh- To that friend of mine, "Thank you for appreciating my works. But I would actually hope you'll ask for my permission before publishing my writings anywhere. I almost died of shock cuz I didn't know that there would be somebody who appreciates my work so much. Thank you for being my fan. But still, that doesn't entitles you to use my poems, change some of the words, and pose it as yours. At least give some credit to me right? Mention my name somewhere?? -_-"

It's been a week which I can't find any words to describe. ok. half a week actually. I'm thinking of a movie marathon, "Troy-Passion of The Christ-50 first dates-and whatever shows there are." I badly need to get myself out of bed, and stop myself from sleeping THE WHOLE DAY. Don't volunteer to watch with me cuz I'm doing it alone. Anyone can tell me which cinemas are still showing "The Passion of The Christ"?

I'm lost.

2004-05-25T12:54:00.000+08:00

ok, so I did not get into SIM, not because of my results, but because they decided not to offer English Studies in July 2004. Whether they're going to offer it again next year, I have no idea. It's probably cuz not many people signed up for the course, that's why I did not get in. SIM offered me 3 places actually, one is in the University of London for dip in Economics [Subjected to a Maths test], the other is Business Admin in the Uni of NY and Management Studies at SIM. Of cuz, the 3 places that they're offering me is of no interest to me. I feel so lost now. Everybody's asking me, "so which school are you going now?" "you looking for schools ah?" "then how? cannot get into SIM then how??" I'm so sick and tired... SIM gave me a dream, but in the end so cruelly took it away and broke my heart. All those talks bout, "I'm gonna start writing in perfect English so I can write my essays when I'm doing English Studies.", "I'm going to shine for God in SIM." are nothing but just words...

I thought

2004-05-25T00:28:00.000+08:00

I thought I could do without you,
that the world would still go round
and work would see me through
with time healing the wound.

I thought I would need no one
after we bade each other goodbye
Told myself love in my life was done.
Seems like it was all a lie.

Oh I was so wrong
and now I miss you so much
I can only sing this song
and long for your touch.

~ kAeJ ©

Running away.

2004-05-24T00:19:00.000+08:00

you know how they always say, "somebody who sleeps alot is running away." And when they say sleeps alot, I don't mean the normal sleeping routine, but when you wake up, then go back to slp, then wake up, then go back to slp again. I think I'm running away too much, I feel so tired each day even though I sleep alot. It's a feeling I cannot describe. I just wanna off my phone, and sleep sleep sleep sleep and sleep. It's kinda strange, cuz I don't usually off my phone but these days, I find myself off-ing my phone most of the time. Why? Beats me.

I miss school.

2004-05-23T00:49:00.000+08:00

This is going be a short entry cuz it's way past mid-night and besides having to go bathe after this, I'm gonna write a letter before turning in. BS at 10 tomorrow morning which means I gotta be up at 7. *cringes* hahaha!

Man Utd won the FA cup finals 3-0, goals courtesy of teenage wonderkid, Cristiano Ronaldo, and a brace for Ruud van Nistelrooy. It's always a great feeling watching your favourite team lift a trophy, but it kinda hurts to know, we fell from the pedestal and only have the FA cup as a consolation. But then again, what's done is done, no use being sad and sorry for ourselves, we gotta move on, and next season will be the best yet. :D P/S: Fergie looks so darn cute with those laugh lines. *swoons*

I miss school. I miss school. I miss school. Period. Saw a picture of Fel in her sch uniform and her busying writing with piles of books and worksheets around her, and I suddenly miss school. I miss the times when we'll sit in class, waiting impatiently for the recess bell to ring, having loads of fun in class. I miss school. I miss school. I miss school. Why did I have to fail my maths? Grr..

P/S: A cockroach flew into my room freaking the daylights outta me.

An angry tirade.

2004-05-22T00:19:00.000+08:00

I'm going to launch into a furious tirade on how poor innocent babies are being abandoned yesterday, today and tomorrow. I read another newspaper article about another baby being abandoned by some heartless cruel being. It angers me whenever I read such articles. Why do such irresponsible people exsist on earth?! How is it that they can so happily throw their babies away and continue leading their life? Doesn't their conscience pricked them or do they really don't have a heart? No wonder, the word "heartless" can so easily sum up who they are.

Surely after carrying the baby for 9 months, there'll be a certain attachment between the mother and the baby? What goes through the minds of the people who abandons their babies? I absolutely do not know how these people can carry on living their lives without thinking of their abandoned babies. I would be haunted for life, if I were one of those who abandons babies. The babies so cute and beautiful! So innocent, unknowing of what's happening around them. What would they grow up to become? How would they feel to know they were abandoned when they were born? How it would hurt to know your parents abandoned you. One can only guess that it takes truly callous people to abandon their babies. If you wanna have fun, and then shirk the responsibility of taking care of the baby, then my advice to you is to, "GROW UP AND GET A LIFE!"

It's an act of selfishness. An act of cowardy! What if the babies are not found on time? That is a life loss and life is so precious! God gave us life and we do not take them away just because, "oh, it's beyond my means to raise up this kid. I'm still schooling/my boyfriend left me/it was not planned/my parents will kill me if they know this/" Utterly selfish beings!!!!!!

Today I was told that I better prepare myself if I could not get into SIM. Prepare myself to go to Australia to study. I hate it when they talk about this cuz they'll end up quarreling - "Who to blame for the downfall of deborah kong in her studies."

Mum: Isn't it better for you to study in Australia? We talked about it, it'll be cheaper than studying in SIM and you'll learn to be independent.
Me: But wasn't it you guys who said that studying in Australia was more expensive than SIM? Think - the sch, accomodation, expenses we gonna incur?
Mum: Since when did we say that?
Me: *speechless*
Mum: To pay 9000 for one and a half years of study simply isn't worth it. It's too expensive. Study in Australia, you just go to collage for 2 years and Uni 1 year. It's faster. Do you have friends studying in Australia?
Me: It's about the same lar. You'll incur the same amt studying in Poly in singapore. and yes, I have friends in Australia studying.
Mum: Anyway, just be prepared. We're sourcing around. I don't understand why you don't wanna go overseas to study. If I was younger and I had the chance, I'd have grab the chance with both hands.
Me: *speechless*
Me: Who said to go to Australia now? Why wait until I'm about to get a reply from SIM and you say to Australia. What's with you guys? and what if I get into SIM? I'm sure I can get into SIM.
Mum: Your daddy said today. We'll see about it.

It's an aimlessly argument I do not wish to get myself embroiled in because they changes their mind almost all the time, but nothing is done. Am I giving them alot of problems with my education? Do not worry, but the above conversation was held amiably. No voices raised, no weapons produced whatsoever.. -_-

Thrilled + Melancholic

2004-05-20T23:22:00.000+08:00

Guess what???!!! WHAT?!?! Hahah! Yeah! Lisa invited me for her wedding!! I thought that was the last I would see of her after the after the so-called "incident", but I received the card today and boy, am I elated. Haha! It's the FIRST time in my 18 years that I am receiving a wedding invitation! And, it's MY name, and not my parents' name. It's like, "WOW". :D Ok, you're probably going "DUH", but I really have yet to receive a wedding invitation in all my 18 years on earth! How many of you have? Hahaha! So exciting to be invited to a wedding!! If only she'll invite me to England as well [She's going there for her honeymoon and her husband's gonna be based there for a year. Swindon to be exact.] Haha. *dreams* This probably shows that I'm growing old and people around me are getting married. Who'll be next? Ah Jon and Beautiful? *wonders*

My sister got back her mid year results and I must say she did well. At least to me, but of course, as usual, to her, it's not up to standard. Here's her results. Emaths A1, Amaths B3, Chinese A2, Social Studies combined with Geography A2, Physics C6, English C5. See. Look how well she done for her papers, maybe except for English and Physics. But she scored an A1 for her emaths! and to think she cried cuz she did an additional question. [You're supposed to do 1 out of 2 but she did all 2]. Now it's my turn to roll my eyes. If results like this are termed "horrendous", then there is definately NO vocabulary in the dictionary that can describe my results, and I'm serious.

Perhaps I've been listening to many sad songs, or maybe it's because alot of things has been happening. Not too many exactly, but enough to get me down. Certain things that cannot be mentioned on my blog. Things that only, me, myself, and deborah kong knows. Sometimes, it's enough to make me think I shouldn't be where I am now. To make me think, I'm seriously not up to standard. To make me think I'm letting thousands and maybe even millions down. But I guess all these are excuses that I've gotta snap out of..

I'm feeling thrilled and sad at the same time. Sadly happy. To quote Jaden, "Sadly happy. Oxymoronic. But that's the way it is."

And everytime I try to fly/I fall without my wings/I feel so small

Word Power 2

2004-05-19T00:04:00.000+08:00

The preliminary round 2 for Word Power is finally over today. After a grueling 40 memory verses including the 4 gospels, it's finally over. If we manage to get into the Semi-finals, quoting Huiying, "it'll be a miracle." Haha! It's a good experience though. I never knew I had such good memory. *blushes* Hahahahah! I took 1 day to memorize 20 verses!! Haha! And it was in the wee hours of the morning too. Yeah. I only memorized the 20 new verses last night at about 1 plus in the morning and finally finished memorizing at 445, so it was pretty impressive that I could remember all 40. Hahaha! If only, I studied so hard for Maths. Maybe today I wouldn't be waiting in anticipation for SIM's letter but would be doing Mass Communications at Ngee Ann today. But then again, I think I'll enjoy English Studies. After not being in school for maybe a year, I finally had the chance to "exercise" my almost-rusty brain with the Word Power competition. Emerge Conference 2 will be on the 1-3rd of June and boy, I can't wait for the conference.

the money in my ezlink card is depleting as fast as the cash is depleting from Cherie's wallet. [She said she's broke, so I assumed the cash in her wallet is depleting fast] Hahahah! Maybe I should travel less. But how to travel less? When I go to church or CG, I gotta take a bus to the nearest MRT and then take the MRT to Boon lay/Jurong East and then take a bus again to my next destination. It's costly!!! :( Where to find so much money to keep topping up? When can I start school??? Boohooohoo...

I've always been interested to know what goes through the minds of babies. Especially when strangers do funny faces to them, or when their relatives, or parents' friends pinch their oh-so-cute cheeks. Haha! What are the babies thinking? "Sheesh, who are these people? and why are they touching me?" or maybe, "Eh. It's painful ok? Try pinching your own cheeks." "Get me a lawyer, I'll sue you for molest." "get your hands offfffffff my cheeks!!" ok, I know I'm being lame here, but I'm really very very curious to know what goes through their minds. Are their minds as complicated as ours? Do they really know what's going on? Or do they live in a world of their own? If only babies can talk, or if only we can a survey with babies. It's quite funny how we don't have any impression of how we were when we were babies. I'd love to know really. Soone day, I hope I'll have the ability to converse with babies. Hahahaha. Stop rolling your eyes.

Sleep deprived.

2004-05-17T01:43:00.000+08:00

I so could not sleep last night but surprisingly, I did not feel a tad irritated. Haha. No signs of irritability or the whatsoever symptons from lack of sleep. But I was pretty noisy the whole day today and they found it weird becuz I wasn't talking alot yesterday. Again, I point to the lack of sleep. Haha!! It's probably because I'm used to be deprived of sleep. I've been told to see a doctor! haha! My boss thinks I'm suffering from insomnia but I don't think it's that serious. I went to bed at 230 in the morning and after much tossing and turning, [ok. i didn't toss and turn THAT much] but, when I opened my eyes to look at the clock, it was already 430 and I barely slept because my eyes were kinda painful. I went back to sleep and managed to sleep this time, but time passes extremely QUICKLY when I'm sleeping and before I knew it, it was 730 and I had to drag myself out of bed if not I'd be late for BS, but then, BS was cancelled after I finished bathing and when I was preparing to leave the house. I couldn't go back to sleep after that because when I'm up, I'm up. No way can I get back to sleep. -_-

Guess what?! My daddy has a boyfriend!! Congrats Daddy!! And just in case you guys are scratching your head in bewilderment, let me assure you guys that my daddy is normal, except that she's a girl. Jiali haha! she's my secondary sch mate and she told me on MSN today that she is attached. But I'm so sad that she dumbed my mummy. My poor mummy must be heartbroken. But then again, maybe my mummy is attached. Haha! :D It's coming to the end of May! Man, time really flies!! I have yet to hear from SIM. There's this teeny weeny bit in me that's worrying, but haha, my future is in the hands of the Lord, so I'm assured that I have a future and God has a plan for me.

Oh, my table is in a mess again when I reached home. Tons and tons of papers are all over my room. The VCD is on my TV when it should be on the "cupboard" next to The TV. The SCV box is on the floor when it should be on the TV..argh! When is this going to end? I have a sudden urge to empty my table and to throw everything into the dustbin.

When night falls,
and the city sleeps;
behind those walls,
my heart quietly weeps .. ~ kAeJ ©

I miss you.

I'm raging.

2004-05-16T01:22:00.000+08:00

argh!!!! I'm absolutely infuriated at the moment. My table is in a complete mess and I can't seem to find MY stuff! Ok, this has been going on for a few weeks but I can't take it any longer. My sister is using my table to study for her O levels and I guess, her mid-year exams. Ok, by all means, use the table! Afterall, I don't use my table till late at night. I aint no selfish idiot who wouldn't allow anybody to use the table when I'm not using. But, c'mon! at least have the decency to keep the table clean when you're done!! Basic courtesy isn't it?!! I even have to tread on my toes whenever I wanna take something from my table because her books and her papers are spilled all over my table. I seriously do not mind her using my table to study, but I simply hate the fact that she doesn't have the decency to clean it out, and I'm left with a table full of pencil shavings and eraser rubbings and it IRKS me. An excuse, "oh, i'm too tired from studying" is CRAP! I ain't complaining until today because I can't take it anymore. I came home from CG today, hoping to do some work on my table and I was completely left dumbfounded when I realized the fluorescent bulb thing from my table light was removed and upon further "questioning", I realized my dad had broken the bulb while trying to change the lamp. What made me angry was that, I had already changed the table light 2 days ago when it was flickering. And I got a lecture from my sister for complaining. ARgh! What is the world coming to?! I merely asked her,

Me: what happen to the table light??
She: Oh, daddy tried to change the bulb but he broke it. Stop meddling with it. [I was trying to put the bulb in]
Me: WHY?! I just changed it the other day. How I am going to do work now?
She: Hello? How would I know? What's your problem? Siao ah. and then she continues to mumble under her breathe.

ok, you guys will probably think, "What's wrong with doing work without a table light"? For your information, I have bad eyesight, and since I can't work with the lights in my room on because "Your sis needs to sleep cuz she is studying. off the lights and go and sleep!" Wow. That's a very big deal.

My 2 cents worth

2004-05-13T23:10:00.000+08:00

Was on the way to buy 8 days when I suddenly thought of this. haha. Here's my two cents worth :

Mistakes. Everyone makes them don't they? I was once told by someone, "Mistakes are part of growing up. You"ll know what I mean when you're older."In my short 18 years of life, I've had my fair share of people hurting me and me hurting people. The cycle goes on because hurting people hurt people. I've said things I wished I never said, done things I wished I never did and some people I wished I never hurt, especially this someone. It's a pain I wished I never inflicted on this someone and this someone never inflicted on me. Hearts are broken, nights are spent crying, and endless apologies are exchanged. But these apologises can never mend the hearts which are broken. We cannot turn back time. I know we've forgiven each other and we ought to move on because if we do not let go of these hurts, these past, it'll come back to torment, to haunt us. This past, it comes back to torment, to haunt me whenever I look at you. I hate myself. But what can I do? I've tried to salvage the friendship, but I know it can never be salvaged, though I haven't given up trying. To point the finger at me for this broken friendship is selfish beacuse it takes 2 hands to clap. I know if we were to talk one day, we will not be able to look at each other in the eye. A certain awkwardness will surround us, so I'm making a decision. I'm letting go. I am sorry. We never will be friends again, but the memories we shared before will always remain a part of me. I am sorry.

Isn't it funny how we only realize how much this something means to us when we lose it? How we like to wish that we can turn back time? We tend to see things from OUR perspective, OUR thinking, and to how it'll benefit OURSELVES. We live in a self-centred world where everything revolves around, ourselves, ourselves, and ourselves. We have to think less of ourselves and more of others. It is normally because we wanna protect ourselves from being hurt that we in turn hurt others, and that's being selfish. We gotta break down the layers and layers of brick defensive walls in our hearts and truly let go of ourselves. Then, perhaps, there'll be less hurting people ...

My New Blog!!

2004-05-12T21:29:00.000+08:00

Woo hoo!! I've got a new blog!! :D A very big thank you to Miss Cherie who has helped me tremendously with the html! If it is not for her help, I would not have been the owner of such a beautiful blog. haha! :P

I went to bed at about 4 plus this morning after finishing with the marking and reluctantly pulled myself off the bed at 8 in the morning. Haha! I was so tired but I had to drag myself to wake up because I had to meet Lisa to pass her the final stack. I hope these would be the last. I think it would be because apparently, I think she has been told that she's giving me alot of work. Haha. *shrug* But it's ok. Helping her mark papers have indeed allowed me to improve on my English. Yeah, so I woke up at 8 after receiving an SMS. Went back to sleep and snoozed till about 930 and that was that. haha. I reached Suntec at about 1045, and left almost immediately. Lisa had braces fixed!! haha. Isn't it abit too late?? She's getting married in June and I thought braces were suppose to be there for 2 years? *shrug*. But the vanity of marriage .... hahahaha. She looked kinda funny.

I have an extremely bad news to break - My wonderful handphone is spoilt! Yes! The handphone that I love so much, as much as I love, as I love, just know I love my phone very much is spoilt! The ringing tone is not working! Which means I'm unable to listen to the melodious "Canon in D"! Now, it finally dawned upon me how I missed so many calls yesterday and today. I thought there was something wrong with my hearing because there was no way I could have not heard the phone ring, and not feel the vibrations from the phone. The SMS tone is working though, which is a little strange. I gotta send my phone for repairs soon, if not, I'll definately miss alot of calls. But then again, my phone is getting on in years. haha. Time for a change maybe? I hope that when I send the phone for repairs, the MMS-es, Tones, and the Pictures remain intact if not I'll be heartbroken. *sigh*

ok, I think I'm gonna end here. I'm gonna watch tv and I'll be back soon! and boy, do I love this new blog! *laughs*